On a cold winter’s morning

I awoke  on that cold winter’s morning, excited and scared about what I was about to embark on.

I ordered a cab ( my husband had to work)  and relayed the address to the driver.

Entered the building, wrote my name down by reception and waited. I was alone, but surrounded by several more women.

I seemed to be the youngest one there.

My name was called. I grabbed my coat and purse and proceeded into the hallway, where many more women were sitting and waiting.

I was lead into a large office that had a couch, two chairs,  and many books. On the walls were Ansel Adams photos.

I took a seat.

A middle-aged man, small in stature, with kind eyes ,walked in wearing a white lab coat.

He pulled out the paperwork which I had  filled out with all the answers to the questions he might have about my medical history.

“So why are you here?”

“I’ve been trying to conceive for a year to no avail”

“Well, let’s get you  into the sonogram room and see what we can find”

After having a sono and assessing my medical history, I was brought back into the office.

“Let me break it down for you. You are a young woman who has been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for a year. You are in good health. Your husband was ruled out as the cause of the IF. You have had exploratory surgery to rule out a number of infertility barriers. I will tell you what I think. I think that because you have had three surgeries in and around your uterus, you have much scar tissue that is preventing you from becoming pregnant. It’s a mechanical issue. If you go through IVF you will be extremely successful. I don’t see a problem with it not working. Another option is to keep trying, but you have already been on three rounds of clomid, have only one fallopian tube and one ovary. The chances of you conceiving naturally are about 10%.”

I sat there, taking it all in.

I was 25.

The weight of his words hit me hard and yet brought with it relief.

“So, when can we begin”? I asked.

“Today”.

Of course, I couldn’t actually begin that day because I was set to leave the country for two weeks for my cousin’s wedding the following month. The process would have to wait for another month.

And here I am, two years later to the date (Feb 19th)… a Mother with two beautiful daughters. How did I get here?

My first blog post was on Feb 22, 2007; three days after I was in his office. I even wrote this post.

Sometimes I think of these past two years. I feel like I was a girl when I sat in that office.

Today, I feel like a woman.

Like Ive aged about 10 years.

I have been through much these past two years. My pregnancy was NOT an easy one to say the least, and neither were the first few months of my childrens lives.

Only now, after all this time, am I starting to feel like myself again. All I wanted was to be a mother, to have a child. And now, after all the drama- I need to try to live in THIS moment.