Infertile. Fertile. Infertile.

When I was 25, I walked in to a fertility clinic and was told that I had a 10% chance of conceiving naturally. My heart broke.

By the grace of G-D I became pregnant with my girls on my first IVF attempt.

Yes, I had some complications, early labor, hospital bed rest, the girls were born 10 weeks premature but we made it home.

I had two more unsuccessful rounds of IVF. Well, one took and I did become pregnant but I miscarried early, so I’m not sure if that’s considered successful.

Two months ago I received a positive pregnancy test.

I had become pregnant naturally.

I was overjoyed.

How could it be?

Sure, the timing wasnt great, with my husband being in school- but it was a miracle.

We dont scoff at miracles in this household.

It was touch and go in the beginning because they couldn’t see a heartbeat at first, but at 6 weeks- there it was on the screen.

I cried tears of joy.

My belly protruded, I started telling those close to me.

And then yesterday.

I have felt unwell for a few days with a stomach virus.

I decided I wanted to see the OB just to make sure all was well, since 4 weeks had passed since I last had a visit.

No heartbeat.

And just like that..


And so I sit here typing, with a graveyard for a uterus.

Holding the remains of what could have been,

My miracle baby.

A miracle no longer.

I go into the hospital later.

I don’t understand this.

I don’t think I ever will.

I am heartbroken.

To just have something taken away so abruptly just isn’t fair.

31 thoughts on “Infertile. Fertile. Infertile.

  1. kjandthekids

    No. that is absolutely not fair. I am so sorry Maya. Nothing I can do but to send a huge cyber hug.

  2. edenland

    Oh, oh.

    Hon I am so so sorry. It’s not fair. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t believe this.

    Holding you in my heart SO MUCH. Wish I could do something tangible. Please know I’m thinking of you, sending you a forcefield of Aussie love.


  3. staciet

    Oh, Maya. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a huge hug while I sit with you and cry at the unfairness of this. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little bean. Please know that my heart is aching for you. Sending love your way. (((hugs)))

  4. Linda B

    Maya, Life is so unfair, I will never understand it…just know that you are loved and hope you feel the virtual hugs we are all sending to you.

  5. Terri

    I’m so so sorry. The same thing happened to me. 😦 I still think of my little baby who would have been 2 years old now.

  6. Debbie in the UK

    Oh goodness, I am so very sorry. Noone deserves this, and I hope you manage to find strength from your girls, but no matter, it still is such a loss for you and your family xxx

  7. Jana

    Thinking of you this Shabbat in the US and I am very sorry. I fervently hope you have at least physically recovered. I know the graveyard you write of.
    Shalom, fellow Gemini.

  8. Lisa

    I gasped when I read the first few lines of this post because I was pretty sure you were gonna say you were pregnant. And then I had that same gasp again, and then an Oh No!! So, so sorry you have to go through this again. Here’s to hoping you guys have another miracle come your way! And some rainbows when the rain stops. xoxo Lisa

  9. Patti B.

    So sorry to hear this sad news. Sending lots of healing vibes your way…for your heart. I’m sorry.

  10. AmazingGreis

    I read this a while ago, but couldn’t comment from work, you’re blocked, but I love you and am sending so much love your way. The loss of a child, at any stage, is never easy. XOXO

  11. tricia

    i know that my comment is extremely late, and for that i feel terrible. but i want you to know that i’m so very sorry. i wish anything i could say would make it better, but i know it won’t. so i’ll just tell you that i’m here for you. please know that i’m here. you deserve as many babies as you desire, as many as your heart long for. you are in my heart, and i’m thinking of you and sending you every ounce of light and love i can muster.


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