I’ve been receiving a lot of worried messages from friends all over the world asking me how me and my family are doing. You know- since I’m living in a war torn country.
The truth is, it’s horrible.
Everything about it is horrible.
I happen to live in a section of israel not too far away from Gaza.
I don’t want to get into the politics of the situation, because I am living it every day.
All I know is that Israel finally said “enough” to the daily rocket fire from Hamas and went in. And that’s that.
But what that means is death, destruction,and innocent lives lost.
You can’t negotiate with terrorists. Terrorists that do not believe in a Jewish state and want to kill all the Jews.
How can you live in peace?
And my heart aches for all the children. They didn’t ask to be involved. It’s just not right.
Over 40 terror tunnels were found dug from Gaza into Israeli settlements, some found right under preschools.
And Israel is being painted in the media as the villains? How do you go about taking out a terrorist group that hides behind innocents? You try to warn the civilians to leave- via phone calls, leaflets from the sky- whatever way you can.. because you are human.
The main destruction is happening on the Gaza side because they don’t have bomb shelters.I Israel has invested so much money- whether their own or foreign aid- to protect their lives. This is either via the iron dome or bomb shelters for it’s people. Hamas takes money that should be building schools, hospitals, etc and uses it to fund terror tunnels. Rockets.
I seem to be getting into”altercations” online with people who only know how to place blame and call Israel “state approved terrorists”
I’ve never been a big political person.. but this really bothers me. Because antisemitism is at it’s peek in the word right now.
This war is taking a toll on me.
I am walking around with a knot in my stomach all the time.
Every time a siren goes off, I worry where my kids are.
The other day as I was driving home from work, a siren went off and I literally saw the missile of the iron dome shoot right in front of me.I will never forget that image.
I just want this to be over.
I hate that my daughters are used to this and that it’s their norm.
My husband who is Israeli is used to it and tells me not to stress too much. How can I not? This is not normal.
One morning when a siren went off and I was asleep, I woke up to grab my girls- only to see the older girls huddled in the corner holding the baby.
My heart broke.
So for all those wondering how we are doing.. we’re fine. We’re scared and stressed- and we hurt for the innocent lives lost in Gaza. Israel does not pass out candies on the street when civilians die (like they did in Gaza on September 11th and int he London bombing incidents). We hurt.
My heart is heavy.
I mentioned that I want to start using this platform as a place to vent.
As my diary, the way it once was.
So here goes.
There are days that I am off.
That even the best meds in the world can’t make me smile inside.
Because I ALWAYS smile on the outside.
People think I am so chipper.
Nobody can be this chipper all the fucking time.
I’m in a hard place financially right now.
Well, I have been for a few years now.
With a husband in school, and only one income- you get stretched to the MAX.
I feel like I am constantly on a treadmill- walking… running in place- but going nowhere.
All I want to do is scream- I mean how the fuck long will this have to go on???
My husband is an amazing person.
A wonderful dad.
Sometimes though, I don’t like him.
I love him, but I don’t like him. I feel like I am always being picked apart. At home, at work… within myself. I take care of EVERYONE, without anyone taking care of me.
I wish I could take a break from marriage and just be with myself and with my thoughts for a while.
Doesnt everyone feel that way?
Often I wonder if I made a mistake marrying him. He’s a wonderful person, but we don’t mesh a lot of the time. We’re so different. It’s hard. That’s what happens when you marry at 24 after being with the same person since the age of 20. You make a decision that is too big for you. I mean, I’m not saying that I regret it. I love my girls. I love him as well. But I still wonder. I Wonder if people shouldnt be allowed to marry so young.
I have been feeling so run down lately. Sleeping so much. I fall asleep at 9pm, and on weekends at 7pm. I know that a sign of depression and what not, but I’ve been taking anti depressant for a year now.
Does it mean they stop working? I need them to work.
I can’t keep this smile painted on without them.
A clown without his makeup, is just a sad soul.
My left eye has been twitching on and off for 3 weeks now.
What the hell dude?
I look like George Costanza when “PULP”! was flung in his eye from across the table.
I keep winking.
But not a sexy kind of wink.
And not to sexy people.
I winked at my office’s Russian cleaning lady who speaks not one word of hebrew or english.
This might get me in trouble soon enough.
People, I need book advice!
I want discipline books.
Actually, I NEED them.
For the girls.
I mean, how do I get 3 year olds to listen to me?
Sometimes I forget that they are 3.
And I find myself arguing over Dora Memory Cards with them- because dude, they TOTALLY cheat and I don’t think that’s cool.
And then, I remember that wait.. they were only born in 2007.
But then again, I totally paid a guy in college $20 to sit next to him and cheat on my chemistry final. This was a class that I NEVER showed up to. I took the mid-term, and final and ended up getting a B- in the class. It was an anomaly. Best $20 I ever spent (Esp considering it was the last class I needed to graduate).
I guess cheating does wonders sometimes.
So I just downloaded a book that turned out to be a POSITIVE discipline book. As in, NO PUNISHMENT. What the hell?
I’ve been trying out a few techniques and they are working so far.
It teaches you to not put them in time outs, but to create a question and answer dialog with them.
This was my conversation last night with S:
Me: “S, You need to take a shower.”
S: “No.” (ignoring me and playing with her stickers)
Me: (now this is the point where I would be frustrated)
“So, what do you think will happen if you don’t take a shower?”
Me: No, you’ll be smelly and there will be bugs in your hair.
S: “I don’t feel like it”
I mean seriously, how do you argue with “I don’t feel like it” because you know, sometimes you just don’t feel like doing something. I get it.
I just kept repeating the question and answer portion until she eventually hopped into the shower (that, and I promised her that she could return to play with her stickers when she was finished).
I mean, I’ll give this whole positive discipline a try. But it will be hard I’m not going to lie.
so, share your mommy advice with me ladies- bring forth your wisdom on to me.
Because at this rate, my three-year olds attitudes will only get worse when they become teens:
I can’t stand myself sometimes!
2 heavy posts in a row.
So 2011 huh?
What can I say?
2010 has pretty much gone by in a blink of an eye for me.
Let’s see what I did this past year.
- I went to Ireland.
I had never been to europe before so I was so excited.
Ireland was breathtaking.
There are a crazy amount of crows there though.. so I’m not thinking that’s a good sign, right?
- we decided to move to ISRAEL.
- Came and Went…
- and then we packed up our lives and moved halfway across the world….
Where I got the balls to do that, I will never know.
- I had a miscarriage.
blah blah blah… I was sad. let’s move on.
- I realized something important.
I am NOT STAY AT HOME MOM MATERIAL.
I alsways thought that I might enjoy being at home with the kids.. but let me tell you.. that aint no easy job. Too hard.
I literally was on the brink of medication.
The girls drove me NUTS.
They were in a new place and were not in their comfort zone. I was all alone. 2 against 1.
They werent in school, and my husband was in a school program so he was never home.
Going from zero to sixty in the course of a month was very very difficult.
It was hard yo.
- But we had a fun-filled summer filled with sun!
- I went on a cruise for the very first time.
- and visited Cyprus and Greece.
I even rode a donkey down the white city of Lindos.
I cried that morning.
I mean, how did that happen?
- My husband became an American Citizen.
So proud of him.
- ALSO…, I decided to put aside past anger and start anew.
I realized holding on to anger does nothing but make you miserable. I let it go.
- I started a new job my first in a different country.
I was scared shitless.
But this time I have a title, an office.
My opinions matter.
I am viewed as a commodity.
It kind of does something for my self-worth.
- My girls turned 3…
- We started exploring this new country of ours…
- Enjoyed the holidays with the family..
So all in all.. this has been a pretty nice year…I truly hope 2011 is filled with nothing but joy and happiness to you and yours!!
Now let’s go get drunk.
I came across this in the blogosphere and thought I would jump on the wagon. I think this is great.
This is the list if you want to add your own:
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Something you Hate About yourself:
I wish I didnt care so much what other people thought of me.
I always act as though I could care less if someone thinks ill of me.
But it couldnt be farther from the truth.
I care too much.. and it effects how I feel about myself.
What do you hate about yourself?
I feel lost.
Wish I could post more.
I will.. I promise…
it just might take me a little bit…