Yesterday I got in touch with a friend who has been MIA lately. I haven’tseenher since January of this year when her and her husband came to our house for dinner. This dinner was especially important to me since my life was so chaotic at the time with the girls never sleeping. I wanted to feel normal again- like an adult, so I invited them over to a large dinner.
This couple was just so adorable. I have only known them for 2.5 years, but it’s not everyday that you meet a couple that you and your significant other are compatible with.
They were from two different worlds. She was born and raised in France, but her family is from Morocco. She is Muslim, so she multi-cultural. She met her husband in Ibiza. He was from New York and comes from an Italian-American family. They were so different, yet made so much sense together. It seemed like their differences just added to their compatibility. Her husband even agreed to marry her in Morocco at a Moroccan themed wedding- which if you don’t know- is VERY elaborate. He came into the ceremony galloping on a horse. There are many costume changes. His family and friends all flew out there for the festivities.
A Typical Moroccan Wedding
(Not them pictured above)
And then yesterday she told me that they are divorcing.
I was in shock.
She says that after 7 years together, they just didn’t “Love each other anymore”… Those words bothered me. I mean, to just throw away a marriage because you fell out of love? I believe that everyone eventually falls out of love. Being “in love” doesn’t last. Love does. Respect does.
What makes us different than them, you know?
Am I “in love” with my husband?
No- but I love him.
I support him.
I respect him.
I think he is a wonderful father.
But do I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him (Like i used to)?
no.
I think marriage becomes mundane. You are with the person for many years-you spend every day with them. There is no more excitement, no more je ne se qua.
Like Chr*s Rock says – if marriage is good, it’s boring
“Married and Bored- Single and Lonely”
It really is those two options isn’t it?
So they are divorcing.
A young couple: so in love.
They didn’t have children yet, so I guess that’s a good thing.
But when I hear about that- it worries me.
I mean, what differentiates those who have fallen “out of love” with those who take the step to get divorced because of it?
What do you think?
Gemini Girl 
I think cultural differences are a huge factor. You believe that what you’re doing is ‘the way to do it’ and so does your partner, but he’s actually doing it all wrong… and so it causes constant conflict. Many people don’t deal well with conflict, say and do things that they shouldn’t and then their partners stop respecting them. And once the respect is gone, the marriage is in serious trouble. Perhaps if both partners really want to fix things, it’s possible. If even one doesn’t, divorce is inevitable…
My ex-husband was Algerian. The cultural differences were enormous and apparent in every aspect of our lives, and this grew significantly once we had kids. (In addition, he suffers from untreated mental illness, so that was a major no-go for me.)
Like you said, being “in love” doesn’t always last, but hopefully you feel that magic often enough to remember it’s there.
Divorce can be a good thing. I got my life back when I divorced my husband after 13 years. I only wish I had had the courage to do it much sooner.
I have been struggling with this SAME EXACT THING !!
I feel like too many people just say ah well, things aren’t the same any more. They aren’t working out for me. I’m not feeling happy and in love any more. THese are people WITH kids.
WTHell.
My thing is…I don’t really care how miserable you think you are, you could always be worse and instead of walking away…try working at something for once.
I believe there are deal breakers, but not “feeling” it anymore and thinking you are miserable is not a deal breaker to me.
I think those who take the step to get divorced have more courage than those who don’t. If you know it is not going to work, I believe you should get out. This is of course after you both have tried to make it work. If you no longer respect each other and make each other miserable, there is no reason to stay. I believe too many people stay for the wrong reasons. Some just don’t want to get back out there.
I, however, completely understand why people would stay. The decision is such a personal one.
You also can look at a couple and think they are so happy. Below is a good example.
My husband used to go on and on about his cousin and her husband. She was a stay at home mom of 4 children and the husband was a surgeon. My husband admired their situation and wanted that for himself. Now he has me and we have a daughter. I am a stay at home mom. (My husband is not a surgeon).
Well, low and behold, his cousin announced this year that she was leaving her husband of 14 years. She moved out and took the kids with her. She was able to do it because she gets a boat load of court-ordered financial support. They went to counseling before the separation but it did not work out. She said they divorced because he was stingy with money to the point where 2 of the kids were sleeping on mattresses. He only gave her $15 per week for herself.
My point – you never know people situations. She had the courage to leave and the financial capability to do it. She said she could not have left if she wasn’t getting so much support.
I guess it all comes down to where people are in their lives and what they want for their futures.
I agree that it’s a very personal decision for people, but many people just don’t put in the effort to make a marriage work. And marriage is hard work sometimes.
You’re right that marriage isn’t just being “in love” because very few couples keep that magic going for years and years. I think respect for each other is crucial though. If you’ve lost respect for each other it’s very difficult to stay in a marriage.
Personally, I think the “butterflies in your stomach” feeling you feel at the beginning of a relationship is more of a lust thing than a love thing. That magical swoony feeling you get when you see them or think about them…that stuff has nada to do with being in love in my book. I think that truly being “in love” with someone is like what you feel with your husband…desperately still wanting to be with him even after things aren’t new and exciting anymore…you respect him…you’d never leave him no matter what…you look him for support and know without a doubt that he’ll be there for you. That’s TRULY being “in love” to me. In my opinion, it’s not something you cannot “fall out” of. So, when I hear that couples have split up because they’re no longer “in love”…well, honestly, I personally think they were never really in love to begin with…I think it was just that fun lusty stage. Heck, maybe they even loved each other, but loving someone isn’t enough and it’s not a good enough reason to get married. I think you have to be “in love” by my definition…you have to want them no matter what happens. I had two main, serious boyfriends before I married J. I loved both of them absolutely, but was I “in love” with them? Absolutely not. I thought I might be at the time, but as the years passed with each of them, the feelings I had for them passed away as well..once the magic was gone, the feelings were gone…that’s not being “in love”. I loved them as people…as I love my friends and neighbors…but I didn’t have the desire to stay with them forever. It just wasn’t right; it was JUST love…I hoped the best for them, and still do, but it just couldn’t really get to the “in love” stage. These things are so hard to define.
Anyway, I’m sorry your friends are splitting. Hopefully, it’ll be for the best, and they can move on and find true love.
Marriage counseling gives couples the opportunity to talk out their experiences and to uncover the emotions that are fueling the problem. Marriage counseling creates neutral ground where the debate is no longer just about fighting or who is right or wrong and who is to blame, but something that can be talked through and worked out.
Funny enough, today is my 7th anniversary!
I love my husband, but I’m not always “in love” with him, although sometimes I am… We admire each other mutually, we think we are beautiful, and say so to each other almost every day.
I don’t consider myself lucky. I’ve worked damn hard on myself for years (therapy, shamanic healing, kabbalah, you name it) to be able to build a healthy deep relationship with someone.
But we are all different.
Excitement fades, so we have to learn how to keep the energy up, allowing room to re-discover the other person every day, not taking them for granted, but as unique universes bound to surprise us if we are open to it.
But even when people manage to do that, sometimes relationships fade away and meet their end, and that’s ok. I believe in seeking happiness and also working to maintain it as long as you are happy in the process. If it’s just work and there’s no fun anymore, then perhaps consider letting go.
It’s important to feel sexually attracted to your mate. Of course, the same butterflies won’t happen after years of being together, but there are moments… And there should be the eventual night of passion. If that’s absolutely dead, no hopes, even after trying different techniques, getaway weekends and toys, then, as human beings, we are entitled to seek this completude somewhere else.
Probably your friends are parting ways in a very respectful manner. Perhaps it’s much better like that, before one of them decides to try something/someone else before ending the marriage, and then causing so much unecessary pain.
One of my best friends divorced after 7 years too. He said he wasn’t in love with her anymore (when their daughter was 2 weeks old), but I think a lot of it was that she was (always was even as a kid and still is) very controlling and kept him under her thumb. It’s hard to be in love with someone that treats you like that.
It really affected my husband and he would hold me at night making me promise to never fall out of love with him. He worried that if it happened to them that it could happen to us. As long as you’re still respecting each other then you have nothing to fear.
I have to agree with what Chastity wrote. The love I feel toward my husband today is SO incredibly different from what I thought was love at the time we began dating and which I can now see was lust. What grew over the last 14 years is a true love and, as you said respect.
I think that far too many couples call it quits when the going gets a little rough. THAT is marriage…it WILL get rough. Many, many times. I know that in some circumstances, there are things that happen in a marriage that simply cannot be overlooked and it is the best thing for the two to go their separate ways. There have been incredible people that I’ve learned many of life’s more important lessons from in my life because of my parent’s divorce… I just wish more people would fight for their marriages more these days if they truly thought they ever loved this person. The word love is used too loosely and marriage is the new dating in many circles.
It’s difficult to explain. I guess I just don’t get the whole falling out of love thing. Love, to me, is eternal. I love my husband just as I love my family, if not more. I’ve never fallen out of love with any of them in my 30 years of life, it’s just not possible. My mom (who divorced my father 27 years ago) always tells me that there will always be a part of her that loves my dad, though she’s been remarried. Not to sound cliche’ but I believe that true love does not die.
That being said, I guess it is a good thing your friend had this realization before having kids and I do hope the best for them.