I mentioned that I want to start using this platform as a place to vent.
As my diary, the way it once was.
So here goes.
There are days that I am off.
That even the best meds in the world can’t make me smile inside.
Because I ALWAYS smile on the outside.
People think I am so chipper.
Nobody can be this chipper all the fucking time.
I’m in a hard place financially right now.
Well, I have been for a few years now.
With a husband in school, and only one income- you get stretched to the MAX.
I feel like I am constantly on a treadmill- walking… running in place- but going nowhere.
All I want to do is scream- I mean how the fuck long will this have to go on???
My husband is an amazing person.
A wonderful dad.
Sometimes though, I don’t like him.
I love him, but I don’t like him. I feel like I am always being picked apart. At home, at work… within myself. I take care of EVERYONE, without anyone taking care of me.
I wish I could take a break from marriage and just be with myself and with my thoughts for a while.
Doesnt everyone feel that way?
Often I wonder if I made a mistake marrying him. He’s a wonderful person, but we don’t mesh a lot of the time. We’re so different. It’s hard. That’s what happens when you marry at 24 after being with the same person since the age of 20. You make a decision that is too big for you. I mean, I’m not saying that I regret it. I love my girls. I love him as well. But I still wonder. I Wonder if people shouldnt be allowed to marry so young.
I have been feeling so run down lately. Sleeping so much. I fall asleep at 9pm, and on weekends at 7pm. I know that a sign of depression and what not, but I’ve been taking anti depressant for a year now.
Does it mean they stop working? I need them to work.
I can’t keep this smile painted on without them.
A clown without his makeup, is just a sad soul.