Silently Screaming

I mentioned that I want to start using this platform as a place to vent.

 As my diary, the way it once was.

So here goes.

There are days that I am off.

That even the best meds in the world can’t make me smile inside.

Because I ALWAYS smile on the outside.

ALWAYS.

People think I am so chipper.

Nobody can be this chipper all the fucking time.

*****

I’m in a hard place financially right now.

Well, I have been for a few years now.

With a husband in school, and only one income- you get stretched to the MAX.

I feel like I am constantly on a treadmill- walking… running in place- but going nowhere.

All I want to do is scream- I mean how the fuck long will this have to go on???

My husband is an amazing person.

A wonderful dad.

Sometimes though, I don’t like him.

I love him, but I don’t like him. I feel like I am always being picked apart. At home, at work… within myself.  I take care of EVERYONE, without anyone taking care of me.

I wish I could take a break from marriage and just be with myself and with my thoughts for a while. 

Doesnt everyone feel that way?

 Often I wonder if I made a mistake marrying him. He’s a wonderful person, but we don’t mesh a lot of the time. We’re so different. It’s hard. That’s what happens when you marry at 24 after being with the same person since the age of 20. You make a decision that is too big for you. I mean, I’m not saying that I regret it. I love my girls. I love him as well. But I still wonder. I Wonder if people shouldnt be allowed to marry so young.

***

I have been feeling so run down lately. Sleeping so much. I fall asleep at 9pm, and on weekends at 7pm.  I know that a sign of depression and what not, but I’ve been taking anti depressant for a year now.

Does it mean they stop working? I need them to work.

I can’t keep this smile painted on without them.

A clown without his makeup, is just a sad soul.

 

 

 

So, What’s YOUR Number?

 Curvy Girl Guide is launching a new initiative for the New Year: Take Back Your Number! We all make New Years Resolutions that we don’t usually keep, so why not make one you actually can?

I am lucky to be a part of this campaign, and when I was asked for my number.. it took me a while to come up with one. Yes of course, I want to lose 15 lbs or  go to the gym 3x a week. I want to travel to a new country this year or climb the Alps (well, actually, I don’t want to climb the Alps it’s hard yo).

As I began to think about it, the first person that popped into my mind was my husband.

This man is a Full time student who gets our girls ready in the morning and makes their breakfasts (because mommy has already left for work). This is a man who is there to pick up his girls from school. A man who showers them, feeds them and then packs them all into a car an hour later to pick me up from the train station.

We need to spend more time together.

As a couple.

When you’ve been with someone for 10 years, you fall into a routine.

It’s  normal and natural.

So this year, my number is 12.

 

I resolve to have a date night with my husband once a month.

Our date nights don’t actually have to consist of the going out to dinner kind. After all, he is a student and money is tight. So a date night can consist of opening up a bottle of wine and watching a movie on our TV while the girls snore away.

It’s important to us as a couple, it’s important to my husband and it’s important to me.

To read more about the CGG “Take Back Your Number” Initiative, click on this link.

So……What’s Your number???

Living behind the Veil

 

For most of my blogging “career” I’ve been hiding behind a curtain.

Never told anyone I was close with about it.

It was my place to vent- to bitch about everything: my family, my fucked up childhood, my infertility – my world.

The way I see things.

And I hid.

I hid because I can’t tell people things to their faces.

I can’t tell things to my own face as well.

The truth sucks sometimes and blogging has been my therapy for so many years now.

But recently I became a contributing writer for Curvy Girl Guide- an online women’s magazine which I love.

It’s all about loving yourself- empowering yourself and who you are.

And I write.

And my full name is on the site.

And it freaked me out at first.

I never set out to have a name that could be googled.

And traced back.

But here I am, exposed.

And so I linked to a post I wrote on Facebook.

I jumped head first into freezing cold water.

And I’ve received such positive responses from people.. people who I know.

before I started writing for CGG I was thinking of finishing up this blog.

I have been struggling for a while to share.

I’m becoming less and less vocal.

I have struggles.

Just like everyone else.

And I feel like for come reason, I can no longer write about them here.

My secret place is no longer so secret.

It makes me resent it all.

So my new years resolution is this: return to the place when blogging was my diary. 

So what if I’m exposed? I need to be real to myself.

What are your resolutions?

 

– In Advaita Vedanta philosophy, Maya is the limited, purely physical and mental reality in which our everyday consciousness has become entangled. Maya is held to be an illusion, a veiling of the true, unitary Self — the Cosmic Spirit also known as Brahman.

 

Lifestyle Change: Week 19

*Hi*

So it’s been a while since I’ve updated.

It’s cool.

I didn’t “fall off the wagon” so to speak.

I have continued my weight loss journey, although it really is like watching paint dry.

So far in total, I’ve lost 8.4 lbs.

Which is a whole size if you think about it, so not too shabby

Starting Weight: 169.8

Current Weight 161.4

Total Lost: 8.4 lbs

(Goal: 16 lbs more to shed)

And considering that I lost (or didnt gain) during Hanukkah which is also known as the oil based get fat holiday, I am pretty proud of myself.I mean really- everything is fried in oil: Latkes, Sufganiot  (Doughnuts)- which are not just jelly filled anymore mind you: there are gourmet flavors now:

Pistachio, Macroon, Halva, cheesecake... yum

 (FYI if you want a super easy and yummy recipe click here for my Sweet Potato Latkes recipe at CGG)

Adults don’t really recieve Hanukkah gifts. It’s more of a children’s holiday. Thankfully my girls arent really aware of that so I have yet to receive a gift wish list. As it is, they are so beyond spoiled- I work in Children’s media- I get LOTS of branded crap for my girls: clothes, shoes, games, toys. I keep a lot of it locked away in a closet to give as gifts or to distribute throughout the year, because their little minds will not be able to handle the amount of stuff they can truly have.

Plus, one of my daughters- one who shall remain nameless, has begun DEMANDING things.

Hells to the No little girl.

You are on watch little lady.

Speaking of Hanukkah, my girls had a Hanukkah Party at school the other week:

I’m always the mom holding up her camera. Trying to capture every moment. But I realized something. Sometimes, you are NOT in the moment when you are behind the lens. I am learning to put the camera down more and more. To enjoy the moment, and not try to capture just the right light or movement.  Because at the end of the day these moments are so fleeting.

How has your holiday season been? How much weight have you put on? 😉

Girls I have a Crush On

Every so often, I have a lady crush.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to move in with them and have their babies, but  I present to you my very eccentric list:

Minka Kelly

 

 1. Minka Kelly: My crush started when she was on Parenthood- not Friday Night Lights. Really, I tried to watch FNL but couldn’t make it through the second episode. It’s very football-y and I am not athletically inclined at all. Minka is super adorbs. So I either want to be her, or take her on a date and get her pregnant.

Sara Gilbert

2. Sara Gilbert: I find her comedic timing impeccable. There is something so cool about her.

 

Nicole Richie

3. Nicole Richie: She is my style god. I wish I owned the contents of her closet, but of course, in my size.

 
 
4. Lilly Allen: There is something so bad ass about her. She just does not give a f*ck what people have to say about her. Love it.
 
5. Marisa Tomei: Maybe it’s the Brooklyn thing that we have in common, but she is so feisty! She is an understated beauty and talent.
 
 
Who are your girl crushes??
 
 

Thankful.

This was my second Thanksgiving in Israel.

I miss the holidays.

I have so much to be thankful for this year.

January:

  • I am thankful that I admitted to myself that I was depressed. I am thankful that I took the steps to get help. I am SUCH a better mother and person because of it.

 

February:

  • I am thankful that I got to go home to New York to visit my friends and family. Although it was a business trip, it was the much-needed breather I needed to fill up my heart.  I am thankful that I got to spend time with some of my favorite people while I was there

    Miss Annie Spohr

 

 

  • Also? Thankful for being close to family- and being able to celebrate my sister in laws wedding day.

 

March:

  • I am thankful for being able to spend Holidays with family.

Purim

April:

  • I’m thankful that my girls can play and run around outside with their cousins.

 

May:

  • I am thankful that I finally mastered bread making!

 

June:

  • I am thankful that I had a chance to visit Paris for my 30th birthday, and to have been there with amazing friends who i love.

 

July:

  • I’m Thankful that we have a pool for the kids to jump into when it gets hot outside.

 

August:

  • I’m thankful for hot summer days.

September:

  • I’m thankful that my girls are adjusting to school in Israel

 

  • I am also very thankful to have celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary with my amazing husband (who yes, can drive me insane on most days)

2005

2011

 

October:

  • I am thankful for my amazing husband who turned 32  this October. He is the bestest Daddy ever.

  • I am thankful that my girls can spend time with my grandfather.

November:

  • I’m thankful that I had a chance to go to London (although it was a business trip):

  • I’m also VERY thankful that I had a chance to celebrate my daughters 4th birthday… life could have taken a different turn when they were born 10 weeks early..

 

But more than anything I am thankful for these little girls who brighten up my day.

Every day.

 

 

What are you thankful for this year?

Four.

My Neve,

You wake up grumpy in the morning. If it were up to you, you would watch morning TV and go to school when YOU were ready.

You are a character.

You love to make people laugh and smile.

You are always the star of the show.

You jump into things head first.

You are fearless.

You get mad and frustrated often when things dont go your way.

You remind me so much of me as a child.

You are definetly Mommy’s little girl.

You dont warm to everyone- but those you do, you love with all your heart.

I am absolutley in love with you- and we have a love affair only we understand.

You rule our house and you know it.

I adore you to the moon and back.

Love,

Mommy

Four.

My girls turned 4 last week.. a letter to them.

My sweet Soleil,

She wakes up in the morning with a smile on her face, ready to conquer the world.

She is so easy to get along with that all the little girls surround her when she walks into preschool.

She shares.

She reasons.

“Mommy, can I wear a dress today?” she asks (if it were up to her she would wear one every day!)

She loves clothes just like her mommy.

When I am all dressed and ready for work, she will come over to me and give me a big hug and kiss because she likes what I’m wearing.

When she likes someone she cuddles up on them and lets them stroke her hair.

She’s stubborn like a mule which I think comes from her being a Scorpio. I wonder if she would be less stubborn if she were born on her due date in mid January (which would have made her a Capricorn)

She can drive me to the brink of insanity with that strong will of hers.

She sucks her thumb just like her Mommy did (for the first 7 years of my life!)

She is Daddy’s little girl- there is no way around that.

She is open to trying new foods, but new experiences scare her a bit (like when she ran for the hills when she saw a life size smurf when we were at the premier of the Smurfs movie).

Mature way beyond her years, she seems as though she already knows this world well.

Happy Birthday little lady.

My world is brighter because of my sunshine.

You’re Never Too Old to Learn a Lesson

If you’ve been following my blog the past few weeks you know that I joined the gym about 7 weeks back.

I decided to change my lifestyle via what I eat and how I exercise.

Let’s just say, prior to joining the gym, I NEVER exercised before. I hate sweating and physical labor.

I like to sit around and be fanned by topless greased up men.

I’ve been VERY committed to my regimen and weight loss.

I go to the gym about 3-4 times a week.

This past week, I got a doctor’s note that stated that I was allowed to exercise. In Israel, you need one before you have a personal evaluation done, and before you have a regimen made up for you.

I arrived at the gym on Friday morning, ready for my personalized exercise plan. I knew that I would need to be weighed, so I made sure I was packing light.

I told the ladies at the counter that I was there for my evaluation with whatever trainer was available.

Since I have been at the gym for a few weeks now, I thought I knew all the trainers.

Well, I was wrong.

I was introduced to the trainer that was going to be building my plan.

The first thing I thought when I saw her was – I’m being punked….

I mean, the trainer did not look in shape.

She really didn’t.

I was taken aback.

I told her that I needed to use the restroom, and off I went to the front desk. I told them that I was a bit confused, and was asked to give her a chance. To that I hesitated, before being called back to the manager’s office.

He was a bit defensive off the bat and told me that he didn’t like it when people had preconceived notions about things, and that I really shouldnt judge a “book by its cover”

I informed him that I was the last to judge anyone else- especially regarding their weight- considering that I too am a curvy gal- and I am ALL about positive body image. He told me that she has a few kids and that’s what happens to some women- to which I stated,  that my body is overweight and out of shape too- but I am not a personal trainer.

We spoke a tad longer and he understood where I was coming from and let down his guard. To him, his employees mean the world so he felt the need to protect them- which I commend.

He went on to tell me that she was in the police force for a few years and had the most and best experience from all the trainers. I felt horrible with my pre- conceived notions. I really felt like I was being taught a lesson….even at the age of 30.

Also? I felt like a tool.

Long story short, she built a work out plan for me, and I am keeping to it.

Have you ever judged someone who turned out to be completely different from what you had expected? if so- please share the wealth- I wont feel so alone and douchey. 

Comparing Apples to Jennifers

My name, both first and last, are pretty ethnic.

I grew up in a school with people just like me (i.e children of middle eastern descent) so my name was pretty normal in the scheme of things, comparatively speaking of course.

I always loved my first name (Maya) but my last name has always been hard to pronounce.

I was reading an online article about a study that was done regarding ethnic names:

Two identical resumes were sent out for the same positions with two different names: One “English/ white ” name and one “Ethnic” name.

The “english/white” names got more interviews.

According to a study for the National Bureau of Economics, resumes and applications with names more commonly given to white Americans were 50 percent more likely to be contacted for job interviews than those applicants with names more associated with black/ middle eastern Americans.

I’ve been lucky enough to have a good amount of career experience  and contacts under my belt to have my ethnic name not “matter” to potential employers, but I wonder just how my girls will be effected by their names.

I’ve always loved that my first name was different, that it stood out in a group or in a classroom. That’s why when it came time to naming my children, I knew that I wanted names that were going to be different, to stand out, yet not in a negative way. The names Neve and Soleil were different, but not enough for it to be a burden on them (at least I hope not).

When my girls were 2 years old I took them for a well check up. When I was about to write their names down on the waiting list, I had noticed that the name Soleil had already been written. There were two families in the waiting room: one white, and the other black. I wondered to myself for a moment which of the families would have gravitated toward the name Soleil like I had.

Turns out it was the white family who had also loved the name (made famous by Punky Brewster aka Soleil Moon Frye) and we were  excited to find another couple who named their daughter Soleil… it’s as if we were given a confirmation that the name was OK and not too out there.

I read an article that said that the celebrity name that most parents regret giving their daughters is “Beyonce”

I could totally see why that would happen , since certain names tend to be fads.

I often get a head tilt when people hear my response after they ask me my girls names.

They don’t get it.

And that’s OK too.

I just hope that they grow up and tell me that they do love their names and that they were happy I named them something that was a bit unconventional.

And if they don’t – well…there’s always the Social Security Office.

What did you name your children (or want to name your children)- and what does it mean to you?