Category Archives: Infertility

Infertile. Fertile. Infertile.

When I was 25, I walked in to a fertility clinic and was told that I had a 10% chance of conceiving naturally. My heart broke.

By the grace of G-D I became pregnant with my girls on my first IVF attempt.

Yes, I had some complications, early labor, hospital bed rest, the girls were born 10 weeks premature but we made it home.

I had two more unsuccessful rounds of IVF. Well, one took and I did become pregnant but I miscarried early, so I’m not sure if that’s considered successful.

Two months ago I received a positive pregnancy test.

I had become pregnant naturally.

I was overjoyed.

How could it be?

Sure, the timing wasnt great, with my husband being in school- but it was a miracle.

We dont scoff at miracles in this household.

It was touch and go in the beginning because they couldn’t see a heartbeat at first, but at 6 weeks- there it was on the screen.

I cried tears of joy.

My belly protruded, I started telling those close to me.

And then yesterday.

I have felt unwell for a few days with a stomach virus.

I decided I wanted to see the OB just to make sure all was well, since 4 weeks had passed since I last had a visit.

No heartbeat.

And just like that..

Gone.

And so I sit here typing, with a graveyard for a uterus.

Holding the remains of what could have been,

My miracle baby.

A miracle no longer.

I go into the hospital later.

I don’t understand this.

I don’t think I ever will.

I am heartbroken.

To just have something taken away so abruptly just isn’t fair.

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I will always remember.

I should have been 33 weeks pregnant right now.

Wow.

I can’t even believe that.

I wish I understood why it feels like someone keeps punching me in the gut every time I find out someone I know is pregnant.

It’s not like I havent been blessed with children.

I have these two gems:

And yet…

I long for a full term and fruitful pregnancy.

When I had my miscarriage back in May.. I blamed myself.

I didn’t rest.

I was on my feet, walking all over NYC.. to have just a few last memories of new york before I moved 6,000 miles away to a little Israeli farm.

Maybe that was the reason it happened?

Maybe the years in the freezer didn’t produce a healthy blast?

I don’t know.

I do know that for a few weeks I was pregnant.

The second line showed up.

And I am so so so thankful that I didn’t miscarry halfway through my pregnancy.

I am glad it happened early.

But still.

I am allowed to mourn what could have been.

I need to remind myself that it is ok to be sad.

I am always the one trying to find a bright side to  situations.

That means that I don’t usually allow myself to dwell on something when it doesn’t work out.

I have such a strong belief in God that I know that everything happens for a reason…. Or doesn’t happen for a reason.

I never thought I would know what it’s like to miscarry.

It hurts.

It’s like menstrual cramps times a thousand.

And the blood…

The blood doesn’t stop.

And with every drop of blood… a tear falls… because it was still my baby.

The pregnancy app on my iphone is a constant reminder of what could have been.

My husband’s cousin is just as far along as I should have been.

It’s hard when you see someone you know who is due around the time you should have been.

I look at her and that too is a constant reminder.

And I will look at her beautiful little girl and watch her grow up and in the back of my mind… I will remember.

I will always remember.

My Maybe Baby

Being an Infertile means never having to worry about birth control.

It takes a team of medical professionals to help me get pregnant.

I am 28.

 This past month, I had my second frozen transfer. I decided not to write about it online, for fear of disappointing myself again.

So quietly, and without telling anyone but one or two of my best friends, I walked into the fertility clinic on a beautiful Sunday morning.

Mothers Day.

The doctor said it was a good omen.

I lay in bed for 3 days.

Waiting for my baby to grow inside me.

6 Days later, I couldn’t wait any longer.

I bought a HPT.

I peed.

2 lines.

I was pregnant.

My little frozen encino man.

My blood test confirmed it.

Here I was, a week away from moving out of the country and I was finally pregnant again.

My family would now be complete.

We started packing our baby items away for our little January arrival.

My stomach started to pop, my breasts sore.

 I looked pregnant.

I bought some maternity clothes.

And just like that…. it was gone.

I lost my baby.

My little encino man.

My frozen warrior.

I had a sonogram done the morning of my flight. All I wanted to see on the screen was 1 embryo and not 2. I was scared to have twins again. I didnt think that there wouldnt  be 1.

I found out that my HCG numbers dropped later that day

My stomach started to cramp.

I still looked pregnant.

I sat in my empty apartment waiting for the taxi to come pick us up to take us to our new life thousands of miles away… with tears in my eyes.

We infertiles never think that once we ARE finally pregnant…that it will be taken away.

I mean, it’s just NOT FAIR.

Yesterday I started to bleed lightly.

My cousin who I adore came to see me and the girls.

I hadn’t seen her in 2 years.

I hugged her and her baby belly.

I didn’t feel jealousy.

I love her.

The pain that I felt overnight as my period came in was UNBEARABLE.

Something to do with the uterine lining.

I held my cramping belly all night while I slept on my cold bathroom floor.

I lost my maybe baby.

Gone just as quick as he was conceived.

My heart is broken.

I wonder why it had to work, only to be taken away?

I wonder why I put myself through all of this ALL over again.

I look at my two precious miracles and can’t believe that I got them on my first try.

I never realized what a miracle that truly was at the time.

Now I do know.

And I hug them a tad tighter because of it.

If I never have another child…I am so GRATEFUL AND BLESSED to have these two beautiful daughters.

With them…my heart is complete.

Giggles Echo Through My Hallway

It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling right now.

This whole experience has been a bit much to take.

I had a gut feeling it wasnt going to take despite the amazing unfazed blast that was transferred a week and a half ago.

 I just knew.

Usually, my intuition never lies.

The first time I went through this, I didn’t have a gnawing feeling that it wasn’t going to work.

And I was blessed with two shining diamonds.

While everyone in my life assured me that they had a “feeling” or a “dream” that I would in fact become pregnant from this cycle, I was quick to dispel the thought.

Call me a realist (which btw no one would call me since most of the time I’m not) but it just didn’t register.

 It would be too easy, I thought to myself.

The shots and the hormones and the mood swings were bad. My thighs are black and blue from the daily shots, my belly is bloated from progesterone.

I am tired.

I wave my white flag.

It’s tough to navigate the land of infertility.

Would I want another child right this very moment in time, if I weren’t infertile?

 The answer is probably no.

When you can’t conceive, all you can think about is getting pregnant.

It’s sadomasochistic.

It’s a viscous cycle.

I guess it didn’t help that I grew up with a mother who constantly told me that my tomboy behavior would have made me a better fit to have been born a boy. She always made me feel unfeminine. And nothing says unfeminine like NOT being able to get pregnant, you know the most basic thing a woman’s body can do?

I peed on a stick almost every day (that’s the sadomasochism) and it kept coming up negative (even on the morning of my negative blood test).

I knew.

I felt like  I was walking down the green mile.

I sat in a room with other women who were just like me. When you are in that waiting room, you kind of size up everyone else around you. It’s a club no one wants to be a part of, and yet you are never formally introduced to your clubmates.

Did I cry?

Hell yes.

As I walked into my house, after a long days work… feeling defeated…. I heard my daughters giggles echo through my hallway.

 They heard me come in and screamed “Mommy, Mommy”.

 Once they saw me, their faces lit up and my heart healed.

Yes, I do have a right to be disappointed, I know.

Yes, things didn’t go the way I had planned….

But here I am, the mother of two AMAZING little girls.

 Little girls who easily could have not been here….

Little girls who fill my home with light and joy.

At the end of the day, even if I am never able to have another child…I will forever be proud to call myself their mother