So I have decided to share with the internetz (because I will need your good vibes).
I am currently starting my second round of IVF this week.
This time, it will be a frozen cycle.
The whole concept of a frozen cycle freaks me the hell out.
To think that all of the blasts (multi celled organisms that form a baby) were created at the same time and some stored away for future use, while 2 others were chosen to come into this world- FREAKS.ME.THE.HELL.OUT.
So technically, does that mean that they are all the same age- you know, my girls and these frozen babies?
I have 6 blasts in the freezer.
Not MY freezer (imagine if it were in my freezer, next to the frozen bagels and mac and cheese from 1989?)some state-of- the- art/ high-tech sub-zero something or other in my fertility clinic.
When I called the clinic to talk to them about coming in, I made it VERY CLEAR that I would only be having 1 placed.
As much as I would LOVE to have a million children (ok, 4) I know that:
a) My body is too weak to carry twins to full term- see archives Oct/ Nov 2007
b) I am not mentally prepared to have another set of twins.
c) Me have no $$ for 4 children. Not now anyway.
Now the rational side of me says “Don’t do it. You have no money! You are moving to Israel because you can’t afford to pay for everything.” To that I say…”OK, Maybe… BUT”…
I am lucky to work for a company that PAYS for fertility treatments. I have 6 frozen in storage which makes the process so much easier (mentally and physically).
We are also moving to a place where we wont have to worry about rent for a long time. I am NOT getting any younger (turning 29 this year- what kind of age is 29 ??Not here nor there) and these are 25-year-old eggs- so I best get on it now.
I kind of feel like it’s now or never.
I know it’s not going to be all rainbows and sunshine. To think that I may have 3 under 3 kind of scares me. Now imagine those 3 running around a farm- IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS!? HAZARDS everywhere-” look out for that peach orchard, oh no a plow!!” with one tired mommy, while daddy works to get a degree (which poor guy has taken him FOREVER). Plus- we will have SEVERAL sets of hands to help. We have one big amazing extended family.
We have always wanted a big family with many children.
I can’t look back and say to myself “I could have had that 3rd child, but it wasn’t the right time”
I have learnt in my life that there is no such thing as THE RIGHT TIME.
It is always the wrong time.
But I will make it the right time.
You never regret what you did. You always regret what you didn’t do.
I grew up with an older brother. It was just us 2, and I always felt like something was missing. My brother and I aren’t very close..I always wanted more from him.. something I only learnt later.. that he wasn’t capable of giving.
I always dreamt of a sister, or a sibling who too would roll their eyes at my parents shenanigans. Someone from my own gene pool who would understand me.
My husband was so against the idea of having another one now.. but with some convincing from me and my aunts (while in Ireland-I will write about Ireland soon!)… he lifted his arms up in a way that indicated “Do what you want” – I love when he agrees with me (I just think he is too tired to argue with me- I can put up quite the fight).
I know that by putting 1 blast in, I am considerably lowering my chances of becoming pregnant… but again, I CANNOT have twins again. There are some women who are built for that… I with no shame say: I am not one of those ladies.
I go in to the clinic this Thursday with my husband.
We will meet with my doctor. The doctor who made it possible for me to be a mother.
I will try not to bear hug him.
Then we will meet with my nurse to discuss meds/ dosage/ etc.
This is a process that will take about 4- 6 weeks.
I am nervous, scared, tired.
I’ve already started pre- natal vitamins.
To go through this again is stressful.
I truly hope this leads to another family member.
I miss that new baby smell.
But if it doesnt, well… I will still be thankful.
After All… have you seen these little ladies?