Dirty 30

My birthday is this Saturday.

I turn 30.

When I turned 29 last year, I was all like “what kind of g-d damn age is 29?”-

And it has been a strange year.

Prolific.

absolutely.

I had to get to my bottom, in order to climb my way up.

It was dark down there.

Filled with self hate, pity and despair.

Filled with ugly voices telling me that I was a horrible mother, daughter, wife.

That I was not who or what I always wanted to be.

Not even close.

I started over last year.

I moved to a different country.

Had to start my life over.

Sometimes, that’s a good thing.

You get to reinvent yourself.

No one knows you.

But you know you.

And as hard as you try to be someone you’re not- your true colors leak out for the world to see- bit by bit.

But I am happy to say that I climbed out of it.

Depression is a bitch.

I never thought that I was going to be a statistic.

I guess I never thought I would be a statistic when I became the mother to premature babies either.

But I did.

And that’s ok too.

I have to forgive myself.

I don’t like to.

But I am better now because of it.

My husband and I fight less.

I have more patience for my two beautiful daughters.

I have more confidence in the person that I am today- mistakes and all.

You know how people always say that they wish they could go back to the age of 20 with the wisdom of  today?

I now get it.

I would never want to go back in time because I really am just getting better with age.

***

I will be turning 30 in Paris, France this year.

I always complain that my husband isn’t a big birthday person at all- doesn’t like to celebrate his own or mine.

So I decided to stop waiting around for someone to surprise me, and booked one ticket to France.

A friend lives there- and I will be staying with her- and another friend is flying from NY to celebrate with me in Paris as well.

My husband will be home watching the girls.

And I  am happy with that.

I’m happy that I am in a place where I have people in my life who love me.

But I am also happy that I am in a place where I am finally loving myself.

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Dirty 30

  1. sherene

    Wow, epi burfday:))
    I can feel you, sometimes “I feel like I was not who or what I always wanted to be”.
    But looking at the bright side, ur husband and kiddo’s love u so much. That’s all that matters girl, count ur blessings.
    Have a merry bday celeb in France:))

    Reply
  2. Nellie

    What an absolutely fantastic post! Straight from the beautiful heart of yours.

    Have a kick-ass, wonderful and super amazing 30th Birthday!!!

    Reply
  3. Cheryl

    Happy Birthday! Mine is on Saturday as well. So Happy Birthday to us!!

    I am considerably older than 30 and I found my 30’s to be a lot better than my 20’s!

    Reply
  4. Gail

    My husband and I once had a couple who is about 15 years older than us tell us that their 20s sucked, because you are figuring out your life, and building your family, and it is chaos. And then they said that the 30s are the BEST. So far? They are totally right:)

    Reply
  5. mel

    That is completely bad ass! I wish I was brave enough to vacation on my own. Sounds like the best birthday ever!

    Reply
  6. Lisa

    Awesome!! That is great that he doesn’t mind if you go that far away for your birthday- good man!! Some couples cant handle that stuff. My husband is cool like that too. And he’s watching your girls too? woo hoo! Have fun. 30 isn’t too bad. The aches and pains really do start at about 30 though. Dont know why, but def true for me. Also, I can tell how much happier you are with the amount of posts you have been um, posting. 🙂 Lisa

    Reply
  7. Angie M.

    lucky lucky girl…have a super fabulous 30th birhtday celebration. 30’s are MOST awesome …trust me 😉

    Reply
  8. Cocktails With Hemingway

    As a fellow mother who struggles with depression, I can relate. You’ve definitely inspired me to open up more on my blog….all of our voices joined together cannot be ignored. We may have a disease but it doesn’t define us. Thank you for sharing.

    ~ Sloane
    CocktailsWithHemingway.com

    Reply
  9. The Last Girl Standing

    What a wonderful birthday… and what a wonderful year.. you will have! And good for you, for how far you’ve come. The big D (and I don’t mean Dallas… or divorce) isn’t easy, so glad you came out the other side in a better place. You deserve it! Enjoy Paris… you deserve that too! 🙂

    PS… love the new masthead!
    PPS… HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

    Reply

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