First of all I just want to say thank you for all the kind words to my last post. I have been going through an internal struggle for quite some time now. I always make it look like everything is just fine on the outside. I’m a pro at that.

But I knew it was time to put down the mask.

And now I have.

I have been on the meds for over a week now and really I have no other words to say but.. finally.

Finally I am the wife that I have always wanted to be.

Finally I am the mother that I have always wanted to be.

Finally I don’t feel anxiety at night when it is dark out and I feel helpless.

Finally I don’t feel as though I have to fill the silence with words.

Silence is beautiful.

I don’t understand how one tiny pill can do for me in a week, what I have been trying to do by myself  for years.

But it has.

My kids feel it.

Boy do they feel it.

Mommy is present.

Mommy is playful.

Mommy doesn’t scream.

Mommy doesn’t try to control everything.

I sit and cuddle with them.

Something that I loved to do, but not for longer than  2 minutes because I had a million other things to do.

Fuck the other things.

Nothing matters more.

My girls cry less, fight less.

I havent fought with my husband since that first day.


Has it really been me all this time?

I feel so horribly guilty that I was the cause to it all.

But I have to look forwards, not backwards.

Life is really just starting for me.



17 thoughts on “Finally.

  1. StacieT

    Oh, Maya…I love that you are finally getting some peace and happiness! You deserve nothing less. Looking ahead seems to be the way of 2011. It is nice, isn’t it? 🙂

    I know I don’t comment as much as I did, but I think of you often. Much love to you!

  2. Mara

    Yay!! So happy things are looking up, I know how much depression affects a person’s life. May you have many bright days ahead!!

  3. edenland

    Oh my goodness, this is EXACTLY how I felt, man. I ripped the wrapper off my first pill last year just before Dave and I went to Ikea and I swear to God I felt better in a matter of hours. It was unbelievable. It was like, how I *should* have felt, all these years.

    I am so so glad for you, relieved for you. XOXOX

  4. Maya Hanley

    Well done! It’s amazing how one small pill can change you view on life. Definitely to be used in situations like you’ve been in. High anxiety and stress can be deadly so I am very happy to hear that the whole house is feeling better. A big hug to you, Maya x

  5. Kir

    wow…I always say that the Z**o***ft is the medication that saved my family and my sanity.
    SO glad it’s working and hoping that every single day is better.
    Thinking of you….

  6. Lisa

    So glad to hear that you feel better. It is amazing that one little pill can bring our brains back to where they are supposed to be. I pretty much know that I will be on depression/anxiety meds for the rest of my life. And if that is how it has to be be for me to function with my family as a sane individual, then so be it. Congrats and enjoy your adorable family.

  7. Rachel

    “I feel so horribly guilty that I was the cause to it all”

    Um, no. You are not the cause of it all. Depression and anxiety are a disease, lady. It’s not Maya that “caused” this!

    Every month when I spend about $140 on my assorted pills, I often think that society should be PAYING me to take my medicines…I mean, seriously, I am so much more productive when I am on them. And nicer. And I don’t cry in public. As much.

    Thinking of you and hoping all is well! We are probably going to be in Israel (v’srat Hashem as they say) in December…hope we can meet up! xoxo

  8. Txtingmrdarcy

    So glad that you’re feeling better and “more.” Always remember, it takes strength to admit that you don’t feel right, not weakness. Also thrilled that you get to return to New York for a visit!!

  9. giselle

    I am so happy for you! I started my anti-depression/anxiety meds about a year and a half ago and I can’t even tell you how I survived so many years without them. It was an almost instant change for me and I am so grateful everyday. It’s a hard step to make, but I am so glad I made it.


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