First of all I just want to say thank you for all the kind words to my last post. I have been going through an internal struggle for quite some time now. I always make it look like everything is just fine on the outside. I’m a pro at that.
But I knew it was time to put down the mask.
And now I have.
I have been on the meds for over a week now and really I have no other words to say but.. finally.
Finally I am the wife that I have always wanted to be.
Finally I am the mother that I have always wanted to be.
Finally I don’t feel anxiety at night when it is dark out and I feel helpless.
Finally I don’t feel as though I have to fill the silence with words.
Silence is beautiful.
I don’t understand how one tiny pill can do for me in a week, what I have been trying to do by myself for years.
But it has.
My kids feel it.
Boy do they feel it.
Mommy is present.
Mommy is playful.
Mommy doesn’t scream.
Mommy doesn’t try to control everything.
I sit and cuddle with them.
Something that I loved to do, but not for longer than 2 minutes because I had a million other things to do.
Fuck the other things.
Nothing matters more.
My girls cry less, fight less.
I havent fought with my husband since that first day.
Has it really been me all this time?
I feel so horribly guilty that I was the cause to it all.
But I have to look forwards, not backwards.
Life is really just starting for me.