Cracked Screen

2011 started out like any other year.

Except it didn’t.

My precious iPhone fell to the ground and my screen cracked on my way to work.

Once I got to the train station with my cracked iPhone, I realized something; I had forgotten my purse at home. I mean, who just forgets their purse?

Luckily, I had some money in my coat so that I could buy a train ticket.

Then that same day, I had a snafoo at work.

I emailed a client with some information, and instead of cc’ing my boss- I cc’d the email recipients competition who happens to have the same name as my boss.

Oy.

The week was just sucky all around.

And I started to get sad.

And quiet.

Thursday night, I came home and sat with my husband and girls.

He was playing with them and laughing and their giggles made my heart smile.

But I started to cry.

I cried because I felt empty.

I cried because I didn’t enjoy that moment. I wasnt really there. You know?

I go through the motions every day.

But I’m not there.

Friday morning I woke up and cried.

I ran into my husband’s cousin who is due any day.

She was my due date buddy.

except I don’t have a baby.

I’m not pregnant.

I told my husband I feel sad.

He said everything happens for a reason.

I told him that wasnt what I needed ti hear.

I know all the reasons all too well.

I just needed to feel sad.

I was allowed to feel sad.

At night I have tremendous anxiety.

Only at night-time.

It’s dark and if something happens, I have no control.

As though I have control over things during the day..

On friday morning I decided to go to the doctor.

I told him that I am not a fan of anti depressants for myself.

I like to work through the highs and lows in life.

But I wasnt coming out of my low.

I have been here for years.

Since I was pregnant.

And he wrote me a prescription.

And I was afraid to take it.

I don’t like pills.

But I took it.

And I feel so so…

So…

numb.

I don’t feel anxiety, but I don’t really feel too much of anything else either.

I know there is an adjustment period.

But yesterday I sat with my girls and actually sat.

My mind wasn’t anywhere else.

 And they hugged me, and my entire family was more relaxed.

Relaxed because mommy was relaxed.

Mommy wasn’t trying to clean the house the moment she walked in the door.

Mommy just sat and played.

On the floor.

With the legos.

And then watched a cooking show with them.

And I wasn’t all about counting down the moment until their bedtime.

It’s like someone took the battery out of my ass.

And I like the way it feels.

It will take a few weeks, but hopefully I can feel like myself again.

Just without all the pain.

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17 thoughts on “Cracked Screen

  1. Linda Campbell

    I’ve felt the same way since my Dad died. Do you mind me asking what he put you on? I would love to feel “normal” again.

    Reply
  2. Lisa

    I am also a person who suffers from depression. I’ve been on different medications for depression since I was about 19. I go off when I feel better, then it may take a while but I know when the meds are needed again. And being a mom, well anxiety comes along with the territory BIG time. So I just went off of my “happy” pills and am doing quite well. But I’m not giving up by calming pills. Those are keepers! You will feel better, it will probably take about 2-3 weeks for the fog to totally lift. But GO YOU for taking the step. I know what it’s like to not want to depend on pills, but they are just necessary for certain people. And we are those people!! I adore your blog and insight on things and look forward to many more great reads!! Hang in there, everything (magically and strangely) gets better with time.

    Reply
  3. Jennifer

    Hi-I have followed your blog for a while. I have twins and have gone through many of the same emtions. This post REALLY rings true for me too. Do you mind sharing what your are taking. I feel like i really need something so i can stop and enjoy my kids even if it is just for a little while each day.

    Reply
  4. Carrie

    Good for you for going to the doctor and getting something that will help you feel better. It doesn’t have to be permanent but I do think it was necessary given how you were feeling. I really hope the fog lifts soon and that you can live in the moment and really enjoy it. Your girls are growing so fast, you don’t want to look back with regrets. I know you know that.

    Pulling for you.

    Carrie

    Reply
  5. Lisa

    Yes KJ- you got it girl! I take Xanax (aka little blue pills). 🙂 I am prescribed 1mg to take twice a day. My recommendation? All new moms should be handed a script before you even leave the hospital! It is a required “vitamin” as far as I’m concerned. I just stopped taking Lexapro (10mg once a day) about a month ago. It wasn’t that difficult to get off of and did help me feel much better. I do not recommend Paxil (personally) as I had very bad withdrawals a fews years back when I tried that. Boy I sound like a pharmacologist, but gotta share the important stuff with other mommies. Now you guys/strangers know WAY more about me than, well most everyone I know. Good luck to all!!

    Reply
  6. Rachel

    I’m on a bunch of pills, but as far as numb…the whole infertility thing is still as fresh and painful as ever…if anything, I’m just able to focus on the pain, handle it, and then move on. (Ok, move on is a lie…I’d say cope with it while experiencing other things…good and bad).

    Refuah shleima!

    Reply
  7. Molly

    I adore my zoloft. It keeps the OCD/anxiety at bay and going on meds was the best thing I’ve done for myself. it gave me my life back. Dramatic? Probably, but dude, I’m SO MUCH BETTER THAN I WAS!

    Hang in there lovely. I miss having you in mah city!

    Reply
  8. Mara

    I am so sorry about all you are going through, it must be overwhelming at times. I am glad you have found a way to cope. I have been depressed to at times in my life, I hated the way Prozac made me feel. I was so foggy and numb at first, but that eventually went away. You are a pretty amazing person, don’t forget that you have people who have never met you but care about you and your family!!

    Reply
  9. Shannon

    I was told PPD can begin up to a year after a birth & can last . . . who really knows. Now that I’m out of my funk & on a low dose of meds, I think I may have had PPD since my 2 1/2 year old was born & it was just aggravated with the last kid. I understand the numb feeling but its better than being sad & lonely, even when you’re surrounded by really wonderful family. Sometimes we just can’t snap out of it on our own.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon. It took me a few weeks before I really started noticing a difference. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’ve been following you awhile, since Heather mentioned you in her blog. So “hi! ” finally! 🙂 Shannon

    Reply
  10. Shannon

    Sorry, I realized that my note read wrong. I’m not saying you have PPD, just that its also possible that our hormones can do crazy things after miscarriage/pregnancy.

    Reply
    1. geminigirl64 Post author

      agree- I think I have PPD with PTSD (after the difficult pg and the girls first few months)… and thank you for the kind words!

      Reply
  11. edenland

    Oh my LOVE! No WONDER I have been dreaming about you.

    I am still on my weedkiller, too. I’m too scared to go off them – they don’t make me numb, they just make my equalibrium … equal. (I’m on pax.tine).

    I wonder if you wonder about your snowbabies, over the seas in the freezer. And if you can take a trip over; would it be that simple for an embryo transfer? Probably not. But I still wonder for you, with you.

    “It’s like somebody took the battery out of my ass.”

    Um, WTF? Where do you go to get a battery IN your ass? A sex shop? How much did it cost?

    I love you XOXOOX

    Reply

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