I will always remember.

I should have been 33 weeks pregnant right now.

Wow.

I can’t even believe that.

I wish I understood why it feels like someone keeps punching me in the gut every time I find out someone I know is pregnant.

It’s not like I havent been blessed with children.

I have these two gems:

And yet…

I long for a full term and fruitful pregnancy.

When I had my miscarriage back in May.. I blamed myself.

I didn’t rest.

I was on my feet, walking all over NYC.. to have just a few last memories of new york before I moved 6,000 miles away to a little Israeli farm.

Maybe that was the reason it happened?

Maybe the years in the freezer didn’t produce a healthy blast?

I don’t know.

I do know that for a few weeks I was pregnant.

The second line showed up.

And I am so so so thankful that I didn’t miscarry halfway through my pregnancy.

I am glad it happened early.

But still.

I am allowed to mourn what could have been.

I need to remind myself that it is ok to be sad.

I am always the one trying to find a bright side to  situations.

That means that I don’t usually allow myself to dwell on something when it doesn’t work out.

I have such a strong belief in God that I know that everything happens for a reason…. Or doesn’t happen for a reason.

I never thought I would know what it’s like to miscarry.

It hurts.

It’s like menstrual cramps times a thousand.

And the blood…

The blood doesn’t stop.

And with every drop of blood… a tear falls… because it was still my baby.

The pregnancy app on my iphone is a constant reminder of what could have been.

My husband’s cousin is just as far along as I should have been.

It’s hard when you see someone you know who is due around the time you should have been.

I look at her and that too is a constant reminder.

And I will look at her beautiful little girl and watch her grow up and in the back of my mind… I will remember.

I will always remember.

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21 thoughts on “I will always remember.

  1. Dale

    Yes, I understand. I miscarried in 2002 and I still remember. I still look at kids who were born in 2002 and think about my missing child. My baby. I understand. And I have 2 beautiful boys now, but I still remember and it hurts.

    Reply
  2. Heather

    I am so sorry for your loss!

    Before I had my kids, I had three miscarriages in a row over a 2 year time frame. Like yours, mine were earlier on in my pregnancy. I was devastated each and every time and always had the mental countdown to the due date in the back of my head. My losses were so early that I never got a sense of a baby, but I mourned what could have been. I still do. How different would my life have been had those pregnancies stuck.

    One day the pain won’t be so raw, but like you said, you’ll never forget and you’ll always wonder.

    Reply
  3. Nanette

    I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure that. I can only imagine the emotional pain that accompanies such an event.

    Hugs, mama. Lots and lots of hugs.

    Reply
  4. Kim

    Every time I read your posts, I feel as if I’m writing something I could have written. I did not miscarry but I had twin girls 12 weeks early 2 years ago. Like you, I long for a full term pregnancy and I still feel like my heart breaks when I see pregnant women. I can’t even look at the maternity clothes that are still in bags in my closet with the tags on them. Nor can I bear to get rid of them. I don’t know how to heal the pain but I do know that for me it has gotten more bearable as time has passed. It’s something that I don’t talk about much because people just don’t understand why someone with two beautiful little girls would still long for something more.
    Be kind to yourself and know that you are human and everything you are feeling is normal. Or maybe you’re just crazy like me!

    Reply
  5. edenland

    Oh, love.

    Sweet lovely one. You are allowed to mourn and feel this way, gee.

    You have secondary infertility … yes you love your two girls so very much, but that love doesn’t stop you from feeling the hurt and pain and ache in your heart. I haven’t had a miscarriage…. but I know that ache in your heart. And I’m sending you all of my love. Pretty much forever, actually.

    XOXOXOOXOXOX

    Reply
  6. Lori (in Iowa)

    Being a mother already doesn’t take away the pain of your loss. I’m glad you have your girls to kiss and snuggle when you are feeling sad. I’m sorry you are going through this.

    I think you are right about allowing yourself to be sad. I’m just realizing that sometimes the only way “out” of your pain is going through it. Not avoiding, ignoring, pretending….just feeling sad/mad and recognizing that.

    I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

    Reply
  7. heather...

    I was just thinking about your baby the other day…I should have told you but I didn’t, afraid of making you hurt (I should totally know better). I just want you to know: I remember, too, and I always will.

    Reply
  8. Bashie

    Hi Gemini Girl,

    I have’nt commented on your blogs before, but I am an avid reader:) When I read this blog, it reminded me of my loss, except I did not have any treatment. I was blessed with 2 boys, and fell pregnant naturally with the third! We were ecstatic to say the least! 6 weeks into the pregnancy, instinct told me to go to my gynae! Unfortunately my baby was attached to the wall of the ovary and tube. Amazingly, I felt no pain whatsoever! My gynae arranged to have the baby removed, as he picked it up, it raptured! I went thru the same emotions as you, and so did my hubby!
    I did come to the realization that it was not meant to be, however hard that was, I know ur strong and you will someday feel it too! It’s hard to talk about that little angel even now, 2 years on! We were blessed though to have another baby boy 3 months later! The same will happen to you! Nothing u could have done, could have prevented it, how can we question anything He has in store for us!
    Last year I lost my brother, mum, sister, in a space of 5 months! Maybe God built me then to be strong for my kids now!
    One day u will look back and see the reason why that hapend, and it will make sense! I hope I have helped in some way, if u feel like talking plse let me know, I will e-mail my addy to you!
    Hope u feel better Soon!

    Reply
  9. Terri

    Yes, you will always remember, and so will I. Painful as it is, it’s good too, because they existed, they were here, if only for a short time. If we didn’t remember, it would be like they never existed at all. I bought an angel ornament for our Christmas tree this year, it’s a baby sleeping on a cloud. Noone else knows why I got it, but I know, it’s so my baby has something in this house, he/she wasn’t here long, but they were here, and that’s what counts. I know how you feel, and it sucks, it isn’t fair. 😦

    Reply
  10. es

    I never commented about this earlier- but I should have been 30 weeks pregnant this week. I too did a frozen cycle in May/ June, I too became pregnant. And I lost my baby in August- at 12 weeks- at home. It was the most awful and painful (emotionally and physically) thing that I have ever ever been through. I thank G-d every day for my two children because if I didn’t have them, I would be in a much darker place right now.

    Kind of crazy how we seem to go through similar things at the same time. Hoping that we will both have good things in the coming year.

    Reply
    1. geminigirl64 Post author

      Es- I am so so sorry. 12 weeks is far along.. enough time to bond, to tell people. i am so sorry you had to go through that….i pray for only good news from the both of us…

      Reply
  11. Rachel

    I hate to ask this…but were you pregnant when I had that dream that I told you about? If so (and even if not) I am so sorry. It is unbeliveable the pain that not being pregnant or being pregnant and losing the baby causes…I wasn’t prepared for this! And yes, you have two beautiful children, but that doesn’t stop the pain from a miscarriage…allow yourself to grieve. It is okay. Only good from here on out…Much love from me to you! Have you been to Kever Rochel? I don’t know if that is something you believe in, but who knows…

    Reply
  12. Marisol Perry

    Hi Gemini Girl, I have’nt commented on your blogs before, but I am an avid reader:) When I read this blog, it reminded me of my loss, except I did not have any treatment. I was blessed with 2 boys, and fell pregnant naturally with the third! We were ecstatic to say the least! 6 weeks into the pregnancy, instinct told me to go to my gynae! Unfortunately my baby was attached to the wall of the ovary and tube. Amazingly, I felt no pain whatsoever! My gynae arranged to have the baby removed, as he picked it up, it raptured! I went thru the same emotions as you, and so did my hubby! I did come to the realization that it was not meant to be, however hard that was, I know ur strong and you will someday feel it too! It’s hard to talk about that little angel even now, 2 years on! We were blessed though to have another baby boy 3 months later! The same will happen to you! Nothing u could have done, could have prevented it, how can we question anything He has in store for us! Last year I lost my brother, mum, sister, in a space of 5 months! Maybe God built me then to be strong for my kids now! One day u will look back and see the reason why that hapend, and it will make sense! I hope I have helped in some way, if u feel like talking plse let me know, I will e-mail my addy to you! Hope u feel better Soon!

    Reply
  13. Nona Mills

    I never commented about this earlier- but I should have been 30 weeks pregnant this week. I too did a frozen cycle in May/ June, I too became pregnant. And I lost my baby in August- at 12 weeks- at home. It was the most awful and painful (emotionally and physically) thing that I have ever ever been through. I thank G-d every day for my two children because if I didn’t have them, I would be in a much darker place right now. Kind of crazy how we seem to go through similar things at the same time. Hoping that we will both have good things in the coming year.

    Reply
  14. Dolly Serrano

    I never commented about this earlier- but I should have been 30 weeks pregnant this week. I too did a frozen cycle in May/ June, I too became pregnant. And I lost my baby in August- at 12 weeks- at home. It was the most awful and painful (emotionally and physically) thing that I have ever ever been through. I thank G-d every day for my two children because if I didn’t have them, I would be in a much darker place right now. Kind of crazy how we seem to go through similar things at the same time. Hoping that we will both have good things in the coming year.

    Reply
  15. OHN

    GG~I can tell you that your feelings will change over time. Not better, not worse, just change with the stage of life you are in at the moment. I lost 4 pregnancies, one in the second trimester, (all girls) and even though the losses were years ago, there are still times when I get sad and wonder…what if. I have three sons that I adore, but I will never have a daughter to shop for a wedding dress with, and it still feels like a loss, even years later.
    The one thing you said that really struck a chord with me was the physical pain of miscarriage. I never expected that, nor was I told/warned by the doctors how it would be.
    Just know that your heart won’t always be broken.

    Reply

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