30 Days of Truth: Day 7

Day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for.

SomeoneS who have made my life worth living for are my two little girls.

G-D how much I love them.

After going through infertility, then having a difficult pregnancy (5 weeks of hospital bedrest), my girls made their big debut 10 weeks early.

Needless to say, those months were the HARDEST months of my life.

I battled PTSD & PPD for a long time after their births.

It made me feel like the worst mom in the world, because after all why was I depressed? I had two beautiful little girls.

I felt guilty for feeling the way that I did.

Us IF’s (infertiles) don’t like to talk about PPD because we don’t feel like we have the right to.

We are the ones who know just how hard it is to become pregnant.

We cried rivers of tears with each menstrual cycle.

The truth is, it took me a long time to bond with my girls.

I didn’t have the whole “love at first sight” thing that many women talk about when they see their babies.

After all, how could I?

They were attached to tubes and monitors and were so tiny.

I didn’t want to get attached… just in case….

It took me a few months, but I finally made that connection… once I knew they were going to be OK.

It took me about a year and a half to crawl out of that hell that is called PP Depression.

And since then, I find myself more and more in love with my girls.

You know, until this day I find it strange to say “my girls”.

I still can’t believe that I am a mother.

and that I have daughters nonetheless!

I have a really BAD relationship with my mother.

The whole mother/daughter bond thing that everyone talks about is lost on me.

So I needed to piece together what I think a mother/daughter relationship should be.

And I think that I am doing a damn good job at it.

My girls are wonderful.

They are not yet 3 years old, and they are polite little girls.

They are creative, and funny and smart and warm.

And somewhere in there I know that it has a little bit to do with me.

I am always one to berate myself.

Not think highly of myself.

Beat myself up for a lot of things.

But through them… through them I can see.

I can see that I AM a good person.

That I AM doing a good job.

They are proof of that.

Who makes your life worth living?


5 thoughts on “30 Days of Truth: Day 7

  1. Nellie

    Your girls are absolutely beautiful and your post and every post before and after are so full of love, laughter, pain and joy that is true to all of us and makes us appreciate you for expressing it all in writing!

    I have a 3 year old daughter and I lived in a fog prior to having her of what motherhood is really like, etc. Reality came crashing down the moment she was born and to this day I feel immense guilt for not being in love with her as I know I wanted to be in the first three months of her life. I was a PPD mess during those months but I am grateful that it all turned around. As much as my Ainsley wears me out emotionally and physically, she truly is and forever will be the love of my life!

  2. KJ and the Kids

    I LOVE that picture. LOVE IT !

    I think everyone will say their kids. I have to say my wife…because without her help and love I couldn’t and wouldn’t be a mom or a very good one.
    I absolutely adore my children. I love them more than anyone or anything…they are my life..but my life wouldn’t be worth living without my wife.

  3. tonya

    Same as you. My girls. And like you, I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. Like, I really don’t like who she is. One of my greatest fears is having relationships with my girls like I do with my mom.

    And, wow. Your girls are strikingly beautiful.

  4. Kim

    Your post is mine. But instead I have one boy. He is what I live for besides God. I, too took awhile to get that bond with my son who had open heart surgery at two months old. I was scared of losing him. He is the love of my life. Without him I don’t know where or what I would of been in this life.


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