Giggles Echo Through My Hallway

It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling right now.

This whole experience has been a bit much to take.

I had a gut feeling it wasnt going to take despite the amazing unfazed blast that was transferred a week and a half ago.

 I just knew.

Usually, my intuition never lies.

The first time I went through this, I didn’t have a gnawing feeling that it wasn’t going to work.

And I was blessed with two shining diamonds.

While everyone in my life assured me that they had a “feeling” or a “dream” that I would in fact become pregnant from this cycle, I was quick to dispel the thought.

Call me a realist (which btw no one would call me since most of the time I’m not) but it just didn’t register.

 It would be too easy, I thought to myself.

The shots and the hormones and the mood swings were bad. My thighs are black and blue from the daily shots, my belly is bloated from progesterone.

I am tired.

I wave my white flag.

It’s tough to navigate the land of infertility.

Would I want another child right this very moment in time, if I weren’t infertile?

 The answer is probably no.

When you can’t conceive, all you can think about is getting pregnant.

It’s sadomasochistic.

It’s a viscous cycle.

I guess it didn’t help that I grew up with a mother who constantly told me that my tomboy behavior would have made me a better fit to have been born a boy. She always made me feel unfeminine. And nothing says unfeminine like NOT being able to get pregnant, you know the most basic thing a woman’s body can do?

I peed on a stick almost every day (that’s the sadomasochism) and it kept coming up negative (even on the morning of my negative blood test).

I knew.

I felt like  I was walking down the green mile.

I sat in a room with other women who were just like me. When you are in that waiting room, you kind of size up everyone else around you. It’s a club no one wants to be a part of, and yet you are never formally introduced to your clubmates.

Did I cry?

Hell yes.

As I walked into my house, after a long days work… feeling defeated…. I heard my daughters giggles echo through my hallway.

 They heard me come in and screamed “Mommy, Mommy”.

 Once they saw me, their faces lit up and my heart healed.

Yes, I do have a right to be disappointed, I know.

Yes, things didn’t go the way I had planned….

But here I am, the mother of two AMAZING little girls.

 Little girls who easily could have not been here….

Little girls who fill my home with light and joy.

At the end of the day, even if I am never able to have another child…I will forever be proud to call myself their mother

 

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9 thoughts on “Giggles Echo Through My Hallway

  1. Kir

    this is a beautiful post and One I definately indentify with. I know what a miracle my boys are …they might never have gotten here and yet here they are. That picture of your girls is enough to heal your heart little by little.
    I know it’s so hard, I know that IF sucks, I know how much you want to be a mom again..a little “more mom” and I’m sorry that this cycle failed my friend.

    wishing you some more healing pictures and hugs from those beautiful little girls.

    Reply
  2. Nonnie

    Oh Maya, I am sorry I missed this news when you first revealed it. I’m a just so, so sorry. I have been down the failed cycle road twice, and it can be very depressing, but you’re right…having another child (in your case, children) really does make things a little brighter. Hang in there!

    Reply
  3. Becky @TheRealBecks

    i’m so very sorry. i struggled with secondary infertility for a year and every single time i got a negative it just broke my heart. it’s hard for some people to get esp when you have other kids. they don’t get why it’s THAT upsetting.

    but it is.

    i’m so very sorry sweetie.

    Reply
  4. Rosie

    Ooooo your babies are sooo beautiful.
    Yeah, I got a negative yesterday too. So disappointing. But I also felt the intuition that it wasn’t happening.
    Maybe next time for you and me.

    Reply
  5. EmmieJ

    After I had my miscarriage, people would say to me, “Well at least you already have two kids,” as if hearing that would help. It was true when I said it. I wanted to beat people up when they did. (((Hugs))) to you today and always. (And, as an aside, I had the intution before my miscarriage too…what can you say…we women know our bodies.)

    Reply

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