I have been taking Estrogen pills twice a day along with my ovulation suppressing medicine.
My body is going cuckoo.
I am literally happy one minute and crying the next. My husband calls me crazy.
He may not be wrong.
I don’t know just how much he wants me to go through this frozen cycle now, but it’s happening anyway.
He always goes along with things and then when something doesn’t work out he always says “well, I didn’t think we should do it in the first place. You forced me to” – then I proceed to tell him how I can’t force him to do anything that he does want to do since he is stronger than I am and MUCH crazier (underneath the sweet surface that the rest of the world sees). Plus he has a good 20 lbs on me (which isn’t much at all considering he has 4 inches on me too).
Oh, and he’s all muscle.
I am not.
He’s always the type to not make a definitive decision because he hates to make the wrong decision. So I ALWAYS make them (which then gives him someone to blame when something goes awry).
My decision-making totally feeds into my need to CONTROL everything (working on this in therapy as we speak). It’s a vicious cycle folks.
Take for example the time when we had to come up with TWO girls names.
I always liked the name Soleil to which he responded “Over my dead body”.
I told him I was naming at least one daughter Soleil (he shouldnt push me because I would name the other Soleil Squared)and he could name the second baby. I thought this was a good compromise.
He agreed, but NEVER brought a name to the table.
So when the time came, I said that either he was naming one or I would name them both. He told me to go ahead and name them both.
Which I gladly did.
Until this day he MISPRONOUNCES Soleil’s name 80% of the time. It’s pretty sad. Soleil is pronounced SOUL-AY. He pronounces it SOUL-EH. Which pisses me off. He even spells it SOUL-EH in hebrew… which will confuse everyone in Israel when we move. He needs to stick with the program.
I know that he wants another child. We love the idea of a big family.. and G-D bless him- he is an AMAZING father. I only wish my father could have been like him. I am not saying he’s perfect- because G-D knows that he is not the best husband around. You know, ‘the anti-birthday’ husband. The husband who gets jealous when I have a life outside the home. The husband who screams when he sees shopping bags (ok, maybe I am a *tad*at fault for that one).
But I do know that I would like no one else in this world to be the father of my children, because I know that they will always be loved and taken care of.
Every morning before he goes to work (at 6am) he wakes me up to give me a shot of Lupron. I am always sleeping when he administers the shot. It’s actually really funny. He rolls up my pj pant, rubs the alcohol wipe and sticks me with the needle. For all I know, there could be whiskey in there.
I know in his heart of hearts that he wouldn’t do any of that if he didn’t want another. The girls fill his life with joy.
He lost his mother at the age of 10 in a car accident. For so long, he didn’t have a woman in his life. When I go out without him (not including work) I think a part of him worries that I wont come home again. I don’t blame him, it’s something that is subconscious.
Not only does he now have me, he has two daughters. I always say that for years he didn’t have a feminine energy around him… and now ALL he has is feminine energy. It’s really funny if you think about it.
I just truly hope that we will be able to add another member to our family soon…. There’s always room for one more on the couch.