Cheese Puffs and Caviar Dreams

During my pregnancy with the girls, I gained about 60 lbs.

Now mind you, I didn’t actually have a scale the last 6 weeks while on hospital bed rest. I am just guess-timating.

When I tell people that I gained 60 lbs they usually say “Well, you did have twins” – to which I typically respond… “Yes, but they were preemies”

NO JOKE all I wanted to do was eat.

I was ALWAYS HUNGRY.

Which I assume is normal since I was carrying 2 babies.

Once I gave birth, it took me a while to lose weight.

I tried on my own and lost a few, then did Jen*ny Craig and lost a few more, then did Weight Wat*chers and lost the rest.

I have always been a very healthy eater.

Wait, scratch that… NOT ALWAYS.

I grew up in a household where limits were like mythical creatures…whispered in other homes, but not our own.

I ate AS much as I wanted.

My mom never told me “enough”.

So, if I wanted an ENTIRE BAG of cheese puffs… I would eat it

(and I’m not talking about individual bags either, I’m talking family size)

No one ever taught me what a serving size was.

As I went from a chubby child to a chubby teen… my weight really started to effect my confidence.

“If I were only skinny”, I thought to myself… “I could be happy.”

But as we all know, that’s not the reality of it all.

I started dating my husband at my heaviest.

He always loved me for me.

He didn’t have a problem with my weight.

I started accepting the fact that maybe I was just always going to be heavy.

Then when I was 22, I was told that I had a cyst the size of a grapefruit on my fallopian tube- and that it -along with my fallopian tube, needed to be removed.

I didn’t catch it because I was overweight.

My doctors said that I needed to lose weight.

I knew I needed to.

So I used the lack of appetite (post- surgery) as a jumping off point to start my diet.

Actually… it’s not a diet. It’s a “Lifestyle Change”

I learnt what a portion looked like, what to avoid, started exercising…

and the weight started dropping.

I lost about 30 lbs in 4 months.

People didn’t recognize me.

The compliments were coming from everyone.

Suddenly, I was getting attention that I never received before… and I wasn’t comfortable with it.

I never knew how much I used my weight as a shield… a shield to protect me from the world.

I would always blame everything on my weight.

But now, I couldn’t use that as an excuse anymore.

The thing about dropping a large amount of weight so quickly – is that your mind can’t catch up to your body as quickly. It took me a VERY long time to not see that distorted image in the mirror.

I went on to lose more weight (especially before my wedding), but eventually gained a few back and settled into where my body was comfortable.

I liked what I saw in the mirror.

I was comfortable in my skin.

I felt healthy.

Then I became pregnant and I used the twin pregnancy as an excuse to gorge again.

And gorge I did.

I would eat 2 bagels on “bagel Fridays” at work.

I mean, bagels are bad enough.. but to have two?

I ate A LOT.

This was something deeper than just being hungry.

I think when you have a hole in your soul, you try to fill it with things.

I do that now with clothes and pretty things. With shopping.

But I used to do it with food too.

Once I became pregnant and wasnt shopping anymore, the thing that filled that hole (if only temporarily) was food.

So far I have lost about 50 of those pounds, with the last 10 lbs that REFUSE to budge (unless I get a stomach bug of sorts)

It’s been a long road to get here again. A place where I feel comfortable in my skin.

I know that if and when I do become pregnant again, I will not allow myself to use the pregnancy as an excuse to gorge again. I need to understand why it is I have a deep hole in my soul. I need to know that filling it with food wont help me one bit.

I need to know and remember that what fills my soul are my little girls and husband.

My family.

I can’t promise that I wont have a bag of cheese puffs though… albeit an individual size!!

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4 thoughts on “Cheese Puffs and Caviar Dreams

  1. Nonnie

    Great post! You are really beautiful regardless of size, but it’s great that you want to make your lifestyle healthier and set a good example for the kiddos.

    Reply
  2. christie

    I too have the same problems of gorging. I am not skinny or overly overweight. But I too have a problem with food. I don’t know where to stop and worry about the day I do become pregnant. I have no self control, and my mother always told me when to stop, and threaten me with become fat. Its just a power greater than me. And I too can down a bag of cheee puff, without thinking twice. The future scares me bc I look at overweight people and think that could be me.

    Reply
  3. edenland

    Man I love you for your honesty. And the way you look at yourself, constantly striving to be a better person. You really are fabulous.

    Eveybody has a hole in their soul. Even heroin couldn’t fill mine. Dave uses work, which is *such* a socially acceptable one – but man he is so absent from home sometimes it annoys me.

    It is said that the elders of our world had to put all of the secrets of the universe somewhere, at the beginning of time. They put the secrets in the last place human beings would look ….. their souls.

    GG, I like to think that another thing that fills your soul is love and compassion for YOURSELF. Liking yourself. Being in the moment. Being content. Laughing. And of course, your family. You have such a beautiful family.

    XOXOXOXO

    Reply
  4. Nanette

    Thanks for sharing your story. I know firsthand that it’s a long and tough journey, and it really is amazing how easy it is to use pregnancy as an excuse to eat.

    I’m so proud of the progress you made! Keep up the good work!

    Reply

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