Cheese Puffs and Caviar Dreams

During my pregnancy with the girls, I gained about 60 lbs.

Now mind you, I didn’t actually have a scale the last 6 weeks while on hospital bed rest. I am just guess-timating.

When I tell people that I gained 60 lbs they usually say “Well, you did have twins” – to which I typically respond… “Yes, but they were preemies”

NO JOKE all I wanted to do was eat.

I was ALWAYS HUNGRY.

Which I assume is normal since I was carrying 2 babies.

Once I gave birth, it took me a while to lose weight.

I tried on my own and lost a few, then did Jen*ny Craig and lost a few more, then did Weight Wat*chers and lost the rest.

I have always been a very healthy eater.

Wait, scratch that… NOT ALWAYS.

I grew up in a household where limits were like mythical creatures…whispered in other homes, but not our own.

I ate AS much as I wanted.

My mom never told me “enough”.

So, if I wanted an ENTIRE BAG of cheese puffs… I would eat it

(and I’m not talking about individual bags either, I’m talking family size)

No one ever taught me what a serving size was.

As I went from a chubby child to a chubby teen… my weight really started to effect my confidence.

“If I were only skinny”, I thought to myself… “I could be happy.”

But as we all know, that’s not the reality of it all.

I started dating my husband at my heaviest.

He always loved me for me.

He didn’t have a problem with my weight.

I started accepting the fact that maybe I was just always going to be heavy.

Then when I was 22, I was told that I had a cyst the size of a grapefruit on my fallopian tube- and that it -along with my fallopian tube, needed to be removed.

I didn’t catch it because I was overweight.

My doctors said that I needed to lose weight.

I knew I needed to.

So I used the lack of appetite (post- surgery) as a jumping off point to start my diet.

Actually… it’s not a diet. It’s a “Lifestyle Change”

I learnt what a portion looked like, what to avoid, started exercising…

and the weight started dropping.

I lost about 30 lbs in 4 months.

People didn’t recognize me.

The compliments were coming from everyone.

Suddenly, I was getting attention that I never received before… and I wasn’t comfortable with it.

I never knew how much I used my weight as a shield… a shield to protect me from the world.

I would always blame everything on my weight.

But now, I couldn’t use that as an excuse anymore.

The thing about dropping a large amount of weight so quickly – is that your mind can’t catch up to your body as quickly. It took me a VERY long time to not see that distorted image in the mirror.

I went on to lose more weight (especially before my wedding), but eventually gained a few back and settled into where my body was comfortable.

I liked what I saw in the mirror.

I was comfortable in my skin.

I felt healthy.

Then I became pregnant and I used the twin pregnancy as an excuse to gorge again.

And gorge I did.

I would eat 2 bagels on “bagel Fridays” at work.

I mean, bagels are bad enough.. but to have two?

I ate A LOT.

This was something deeper than just being hungry.

I think when you have a hole in your soul, you try to fill it with things.

I do that now with clothes and pretty things. With shopping.

But I used to do it with food too.

Once I became pregnant and wasnt shopping anymore, the thing that filled that hole (if only temporarily) was food.

So far I have lost about 50 of those pounds, with the last 10 lbs that REFUSE to budge (unless I get a stomach bug of sorts)

It’s been a long road to get here again. A place where I feel comfortable in my skin.

I know that if and when I do become pregnant again, I will not allow myself to use the pregnancy as an excuse to gorge again. I need to understand why it is I have a deep hole in my soul. I need to know that filling it with food wont help me one bit.

I need to know and remember that what fills my soul are my little girls and husband.

My family.

I can’t promise that I wont have a bag of cheese puffs though… albeit an individual size!!