During my pregnancy with the girls, I gained about 60 lbs.
Now mind you, I didn’t actually have a scale the last 6 weeks while on hospital bed rest. I am just guess-timating.
When I tell people that I gained 60 lbs they usually say “Well, you did have twins” – to which I typically respond… “Yes, but they were preemies”
NO JOKE all I wanted to do was eat.
I was ALWAYS HUNGRY.
Which I assume is normal since I was carrying 2 babies.
Once I gave birth, it took me a while to lose weight.
I tried on my own and lost a few, then did Jen*ny Craig and lost a few more, then did Weight Wat*chers and lost the rest.
I have always been a very healthy eater.
Wait, scratch that… NOT ALWAYS.
I grew up in a household where limits were like mythical creatures…whispered in other homes, but not our own.
I ate AS much as I wanted.
My mom never told me “enough”.
So, if I wanted an ENTIRE BAG of cheese puffs… I would eat it
(and I’m not talking about individual bags either, I’m talking family size)
No one ever taught me what a serving size was.
As I went from a chubby child to a chubby teen… my weight really started to effect my confidence.
“If I were only skinny”, I thought to myself… “I could be happy.”
But as we all know, that’s not the reality of it all.
I started dating my husband at my heaviest.
He always loved me for me.
He didn’t have a problem with my weight.
I started accepting the fact that maybe I was just always going to be heavy.
Then when I was 22, I was told that I had a cyst the size of a grapefruit on my fallopian tube- and that it -along with my fallopian tube, needed to be removed.
I didn’t catch it because I was overweight.
My doctors said that I needed to lose weight.
I knew I needed to.
So I used the lack of appetite (post- surgery) as a jumping off point to start my diet.
Actually… it’s not a diet. It’s a “Lifestyle Change”
I learnt what a portion looked like, what to avoid, started exercising…
and the weight started dropping.
I lost about 30 lbs in 4 months.
People didn’t recognize me.
The compliments were coming from everyone.
Suddenly, I was getting attention that I never received before… and I wasn’t comfortable with it.
I never knew how much I used my weight as a shield… a shield to protect me from the world.
I would always blame everything on my weight.
But now, I couldn’t use that as an excuse anymore.
The thing about dropping a large amount of weight so quickly – is that your mind can’t catch up to your body as quickly. It took me a VERY long time to not see that distorted image in the mirror.
I went on to lose more weight (especially before my wedding), but eventually gained a few back and settled into where my body was comfortable.
I liked what I saw in the mirror.
I was comfortable in my skin.
I felt healthy.
Then I became pregnant and I used the twin pregnancy as an excuse to gorge again.
And gorge I did.
I would eat 2 bagels on “bagel Fridays” at work.
I mean, bagels are bad enough.. but to have two?
I ate A LOT.
This was something deeper than just being hungry.
I think when you have a hole in your soul, you try to fill it with things.
I do that now with clothes and pretty things. With shopping.
But I used to do it with food too.
Once I became pregnant and wasnt shopping anymore, the thing that filled that hole (if only temporarily) was food.
So far I have lost about 50 of those pounds, with the last 10 lbs that REFUSE to budge (unless I get a stomach bug of sorts)
It’s been a long road to get here again. A place where I feel comfortable in my skin.
I know that if and when I do become pregnant again, I will not allow myself to use the pregnancy as an excuse to gorge again. I need to understand why it is I have a deep hole in my soul. I need to know that filling it with food wont help me one bit.
I need to know and remember that what fills my soul are my little girls and husband.
I can’t promise that I wont have a bag of cheese puffs though… albeit an individual size!!