My Shoulders Hurt.

I’m sick and tired.

I am sick and tired of always being the one to lift everyone else up.

Who the fuck is around to lift me up?

I have been the sole bread-winner in my household for some time now and I am tired.

I am tired and fed up.

 I REFUSE to allow more time to go by where all I do is work, not see my kids- all for what? For more fucking roadblocks in my husband’s education?

I can’t do it anymore.

So we decide on Israel and he has “doubts” he’s “scared”

Yes, we’ve been over this.

I  lift him up daily only to have to give him the positive, rainbow- filled, speech EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I am tired.

My neck and shoulders are sore.

I feel like my insides are eating away at me.

I’m scared too, but who is there for me to tell me it will be OK?

Certainly NOT my husband. He’s too busy cowering in the corner, clutching on to his “doubts” and “scary scenarios”.

I tell him we can’t stay here- WE CAN’T PAY THE RENT DAMN IT. What the fuck else are we suppose to do?

If he wants to go to school and have a career- this is the only way to do it.

I can’t always be the strong one.

I just can’t.


8 thoughts on “My Shoulders Hurt.

  1. mayahanley

    I can totally relate to this scenario. The strong woman taking care of everything. What would happen if you handed it all over to him to resolve it? What would happen if you couldn’t work all of a sudden? Tell him to man up and take responsibility! And, take a breather for yourself. Even if it’s only a nice warm bath with candles or a long walk. Breathe deeply and slow down for a few minutes. Mind you, his having doubts is not that strange. Anyone making a big move is bound to have doubts and be scared. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it though. Ask him what his suggestion is for an alternative. Going to Israel is an adventure in some ways and bear in mind that nothing has to be permanent. Once his education is done you can always go back to the US, surely? It’s not like in the olden days when people moved and could never come back. Stay strong! You’re amazing.

  2. KJ and the Kids

    Somewhere I just read, people treat you how you treat yourself. So if you put yourself 2nd they will put you 2nd too. If you give to them, they will give to themselves as well.
    Makes sense I suppose.
    Good luck girl !

  3. Samantha

    I agree with KJ… You have to make him value you…. When my husband used to whine about money, stress, etc.. I would hand him the checkbook, and tell him to make it work… He usually would hand it right back.. then I would tell him to shut up.
    Tell him to man-up, or shut up. School on hold, and he gets a paying job, or.. you move. Throw it back at him. You are making the right choices for your family… don’t let him second guess you.

  4. Patti B.

    So sorry for the stress that you are both feeling…it seems a little weird though that his family are offering the opportunities for the most part, and you are leaving your parents and brother there….and he is still stressed? Seems ideal but clearly a big move and big decision…but your last post made it sound really good! Where did all this bad come from?
    Good luck – you will find the answer that eases both of you when the time comes to do it.

    Hugs to you and the chicks!!

  5. Jennifer

    I have a question: Was he like this when you first got married? When you were dating? If so, it seems like this paradigm/attitude is something you are going to have to accept and compensate for, because it won’t be easy to change. But if this is a fairly new development than it seems like this fear of his is most likely a temporary and natural reaction to a big change. He has every right, as do you, to have some reservations about this sort of thing. I spent WEEKS deciding whether or not to reorganize the spoons in my drawer! I am clearly a person who hates change!

    However, I do see how all of this being strong stuff can be exhausting for you. I hope it gets better.

  6. Rachel

    Maybe B. is afraid because this is the ultimate “shit or get off the pot” scenario. (Excuse my language). I went through this with D, too. It is really easy to criticize someone (you) about how stressed out/dramatic you are when running a house and earning all of the money and raising the kids is your responsibility. Maybe he is afraid that he won’t be able to contribute, even when everything is made as easy as possible???? I love and support you, Maya!


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