Happy Pills

Sometimes I wonder just how different my life would have been if I would have made different decisions.

I started dating my husband at 20.

We married by 23.

I never had my carefree 20’s, never explored myself.

I never got an apartment with a friend and lived in the city (Manhattan).

I never got to really date.

I never got to take a crazy trip with friends.

 I think about those things- A LOT.

I know that there is no sense in that at all.

But nonetheless, I still do.

I always felt mature for my age- ever since I was a little girl.

But in truth, I never really lived life.

Sometimes I feel like I could have waited.

I could have waited to date, to marry.

When I was dating my husband, I loved him so much. I couldnt imagine NOT being with him. He was too much of a good catch for me to give up. He was a good man.

And he still is.. it’s just life got in the way.

We fight- ALL THE TIME.

We are two different people, and having twins just magnifies that. They say that parents of multiples have a 75% divorce rate.

75% PEOPLE.

But we are too stubborn to give up.

We say it’s just a phase.

The toddler years are FUCKING hard.

Every time I say “no” to my girls, or yell.. I hear my mothers voice emanating from my mouth.

And if you know me, that is the WORST possible thing ever.

I have been in a funk lately.

I don’t let on.

Every time I see my therapist, I cry.

ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

EVERY WEEK- Monday’s at 12:00pm.

She says that she thinks medication would do my good.

I can’t imagine having to take happy pills.

My brother takes those. I am not my brother.

I had a childhood that was less than fairy tale.

No, I wasnt physically or sexually abused.

No, I wasnt poor or living on the streets.

I was just always berated.

I never truly understood why it was that my brother was treated so well, while I wasn’t.

I only now realize that it was because he was different. Asperger’s is what I think he has. He has never been diagnosed, but he is definitely textbook.

Of course, that doesnt make up for years of being a second class citizen in my own home.

I remember as a child, my mother would often bring special snacks for my brother  to his room- and when I asked why she didnt bring me some, she would answer “well, you know your brother wont get anything for himself- and I know you will”

I REMEMBER so clearly often crying  the words “Nobody Loves Me” – when I would be ganged up on by my family.

No one ever walked into my room and said that it wasn’t true.. that they did love me. I needed to hear it at those times, but NEVER did.

WHAT KIND OF PARENT lets their kids cry those words and doesn’t come in to console them???

A father that was withholding, a mother that was a let down.

Even though I know all of this today, as an adult- it doesn’t make it any easier.

My father was beaten as child. My grandfather was an alcoholic and would mentally abuse my grandmother. My father stuck up fro his mother and suffered the consequences- often. He would be locked in a dark room and made to sleep on the floor. A rat bit him in the face and he still has the scar.

So to my father- by him providing for us, and NOT abusing us- HE WAS being the best father he could be. And I have to respect him for that- even though I never really felt as though I had a father. Being an absent father doesnt make it any better I guess.

I am rambling.

But at the end of the day.. I KNOW I SHOULD be happy.

I should.

I have two healthy daughters.

I have a good husband.

I have a job (albeit I am living in massive debt)

I dont have a job that I love, and I dont get to see my kids.

I’m bitching.

I know.

I am just miserable lately.

I try to fill that void with pretty clothes.

If the outside is put together, maybe the inside will be as well?

Because right now, I am hanging by a thin rope.

I may just need those happy pills.

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12 thoughts on “Happy Pills

  1. amy d

    I relate to every word you typed here. My childhood was bad at times, but like you I was never abused. I can’t seem to shake the anger and resentment though.
    I have a healthy child and wonderful husband and yet, I am so unhappy at the moment. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I know others have such a harder burden than I do.

    Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling this way. Hope things get better for you soon.

    Reply
  2. IzzyMom

    There’s no shame in taking happy pills. Sometimes they can snap you out of a depressive cycle when nothing else will and you’re using therapy, which, when combined with AD’s, is a very effective combo for most people. No matter what you choose,though, choose to be kind to yourself. You’re worth it 🙂

    Reply
  3. Sandy

    I know how you feel…really I do. I am the eldest. My parents were physically abusive to me and not my brother or sister. If they did anything wrong, it was my fault. I always thought I was adopted because I was so different from all of them. I now know, that my early childhood experiences triggered bipolar. It took all these years to be properly diagnosed. I missed out on so much of my girls growing up. I’m lucky, they understand. If you need to take those tablets to get you out of the rut, or if you want to ask for a second opinion, then please do it. If you had Diabetes, you’d take your insulin, wouldn’t you. Depressive illness is a physical illness, and although there is still some stigma attatched, times are changing. But it’s your decision, you need to do what’s right for you 🙂 Sending you love and hugs, and If you need to talk…. x

    Reply
  4. itsallgood18

    Wow. So well-written. I just emailed you privately, but let me just say that I agree with Sandy: insulin is to Diabetes like (for many people) anti-depressants is to depression. Hang in there, beautiful!

    Reply
  5. ally

    Going on antidepressants was the smartest thing I ever did. It doesn’t mean you’re weak – it means your strong enough to recognize when you need help and take it. Going to therapy is the best first step, and study after study shows that therapy PLUS medication is the most effective treatment for both depression and anxiety.

    Just give it a chance – your life could totally change for the better. I know mine did.

    Reply
  6. Aubrie

    I was just like you not wanting to take pills, and in my case it was because I didn’t want to be like my mother. She has taken every kind of anti-depressant available since I was little. I’ve never wanted to be my mother, for reasons different than yours though. She had issues with her mother and wasn’t there for my sister and I a lot. She filled her pain with shopping too, something that made life very difficult for us. She emptied my bank account that had thousands of dollars in it that I had saved babysitting as a young teenager. I will never forgive her for that.
    All my life I have had major anxiety issues about money, the way people think of me, not being good enough ect. My mom told me for years that I “should just go to a doctor and get something to fix it.” I didn’t want a pill to fix it, I wanted to fix it myself. I moved away two years ago and moved again a year ago to be with my now husband. I accumulated a lot of debt in those two moves, coupled with getting married, living in a house that needs a lot of work, etc. Fast forward to March when I lost my job (and still can’t find another one) and I turned into a wreck. My anxiety was at an all time high, I cried ever day over nothing. One day the dog tracked mud in the house and I lost it and called my husband and told him he had to come home. I just couldn’t stop crying. He has told me for a long time to go to the doctor to, but I just didn’t want to go to a doctor. Finally I decided that I wasn’t happy and was miserable. I went to the doctor and made my husband come with me because I knew I’d be a wreck. I told her about my mom and how I didn’t want to be on pills but didn’t know what else to do. She explained to me that I wasn’t my mom, I wasn’t a failure and it wasn’t my fault and that it was just how the chemicals in my body were. Anyway, I’ve been on them for about 5 months now. I still have problems, no job, debt increasing because of said job problem. But, I’m better. My problems don’t consume my life, I can smile, I can think, I can read, I can sleep and I don’t cry at the drop of a hat.
    You have to decide if you need them, but you aren’t your brother and it’s not forever.

    Reply
  7. Kirsten

    Thank you for being REAL. I have been with my husband since I was 16, married since 22 so I can totally relate. I adore him and do not want to live without him but, yes, I have the same thoughts as you…the what if’s. This year has been the roughest year we have had, ever. There have been several times I wasn’t sure we’d make it through, but still standing so far. And the toddler years are so hard, especially times two. And I feel like such a loser mom for typing that but it’s the damn truth. 75% is scary, but understandable, sadly. I’m still not seeing a therapist but still want to so bad just for the release.
    As for the pills…totally worth a shot in my eyes.
    Behind you all the way!!

    Reply
  8. KJ and the Kids

    There is such a stigma about happy pills. WHY ? You aren’t your brother…nor are you the psychotic mental patient who takes them. There are plenty of people around you EVERY day who take them and you’d never know.
    I take them. STILL. because I’m scared to go off of them frankly.
    Take the pills. 🙂
    I LOVE me on them. My kids are grateful. J’s grateful. amen.

    Reply
  9. hopefulmother

    I understand what you’re going through. Not the same circumstances here, but many of the same feelings, and the twins too. I started some antidepressants a few months ago and I can tell the difference in my moods being more balanced. No shame in asking for help – even if it is medicinal!

    Reply
  10. Sugar & Ice

    Take the pills!!!!! I grew up in a household with a dad I absolutely adore and who absolutely adores me, but he is mentally ill, and during those times when he wouldn’t take his “happy pills” he was so hard to live with. I felt bad thinking it, but I actually preferred him being at work during those times, because his mood was such a downer and everyone felt like they had to walk on eggshells around him. Do it for you, do it for your husband, and do it for your girls.

    Reply
  11. Capital Mom

    I found your blog from Edenland. I just wanted to say that there are days that I wonder how I am ever going to make it through with two young kids. It is hard on a marriage. I think most marriages go through that.
    If the pills will help you be able to deal with things better then take them.

    Reply

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