Last night my husband told me that we have a decision to make about land that we own.
We have land abroad (in Israel) that is currently undeveloped. The city wants to start building homes in that area, and has asked for those who own property to either:
a) give a down payment for the development in the next two months ($35,000)
The problem is, which I have spoken about countless times (and screamed from the rooftops) is: we are a ONE income household barely making ends meet. On top of that, we are about $30,000 in the hole. That’s right, student loans, car loan, credit card debt has brought us to that point.
1/3 of the debt is all me.
I did it.
I wont lie.
I cant sugarcoat it.
I do have a spending issue.
The thing is, I work ALL THE TIME. I work because, I have no choice. I work because I have two children and a husband who decided late in life to get a college degree. I get home right in time to help feed dinner to my girls, change them in to PJ’s and put them to bed. They don’t see me at all.
No wonder they refuse to get off their dad’s lap to hug me. He’s with them all the time. I cry because of this.
The guilt kills me.
The pressure kills me.
So of course, the only outlet I have is shopping.
I buy everything.
Just this past week I purchased:
- Shoes for my husband and I ($150)
- A pressure cooker ($50)
- A bread maker ($70)
- A cookbook for the bread maker ($20)
- Two mini sofa chairs for the girls ($50)
- Brazilian hair straightening ($250)
Did I need all this stuff?
Did it make me feel good buying them, and receiving them in the mail?
Is it temporary?
I have all these underlying issues that are keeping me from being financially secure.
I told my husband that we should sell the land, pay off ALL OUR DEBT and have his dad keep the rest of the money for us for when we move to Israel in 3 years.
My husband refuses. He says he doesn’t trust me and that if we get our debt down to zero, I will bring it back up again.
I want to tell him he’s wrong… but I cant.
I want to tell him that this time will be different, but I don’t trust myself.
I told him that if we paid off our debt, we w0nt have to pay interest fees anymore- that’s money we are throwing away. He says that it makes total sense, but still doesn’t trust me.
My husband doesn’t trust me.
It hurts, but I cant blame him.
He heard that his best friend just bought a house. It really hit home for him. I told him that his friend graduated college a few years ago, that this friend is expecting his first child only now, and that our paths are different from his.
I want to be able to tell him that will be us in a few years, but can I really?
Can I really trust myself?
I want to make a change, I want to have a financial future that is better than my parents. They have never owned a home and have lived from hand to mouth even when they had a lot of money.
I want better for myself and my family.
I want to make this change.
I need to make this change.
I’m just not sure how.