Onions

I wish I could shake it.

The hold that my mother has on me seems like it will never go away.

Things that I do today, that affect me adversely… is because of her.

I peeled another layer off of the onion in therapy today.

There are so many layers.

Why do I spend?

Because if I buy clothes (or things for my home, or things for my girls) I get complimented. Why am I prisoner to compliments? Why do I need to constantly be reassured? Why do I need everyones approval…

When I was a little girl, I was a tomboy. I loves roughhousing, I had a big mouth and crazy hair. I was not dainty in anyway.

My mom hated that I wasn’t her “small, quiet, gentle” little girl that she always imagined having, she would constantly berate me and tell me that I should have been born a boy.

Heavy words for a 6 year old to hear.

What I heard was … “You’re not good enough. Your not what I wanted in a daughter”

Once I got married, I wanted to TTC right away. I knew I had an ovary, and fallopian tube removed and thought that might create problems in becoming pregnant.

 I was right.

Every month that passed, every negative that popped up on my home pregnancy test .. just proved my mother right… I wasn’t woman enough.

When I did finally become pregnant, I was sitting on top of the world. I loved being pregnant. I had no real morning sickness, and I embraced my body. I was allowed to eat what I wanted (i was carrying twins) and relished getting bigger. I felt like I won some sort of feminine lottery- I wasn’t only pregnant, I was pregnant with two! In your face mom… you see, I am a woman.

Of course my negative self image  wasn’t helped by the fact that I gave birth prematurely. It just proved that I wasn’t ‘woman enough” to hold my babies in for a few more weeks. My body had failed me. Mom won.

In a way, I envy pregnant women because they are proving to the world that they are, in fact, women. And an insane part of me wants to get pregnant again, now, just to prove that I have what it takes to have a full term baby. Crazy, I know.

 

The intellectual part of me knows that she was wrong, that no mother should say those kinds of things to their kids… but it still doesn’t change the fact that I see myself that way. I have never been woman enough, feminine enough.

When I get compliments for my clothes, or anything in my appearance, it makes me feel like I’m getting it right. Like women kind is giving me their stamp of approval, like I was given their secret handshake.

This leads me down a road of spending.

I am trying to rid myself of all the poison streaming through my veins, so that I wont infect my daughters.

8 thoughts on “Onions

  1. KJ and the kids

    It’s hard to not remember, to let wounds heal.
    I’m glad that you are taking those steps.

    You need to fry up those onions with some peppers and marinara sauce. Poor it over some pasta and digest. 😉

    Reply
  2. topcat

    Hey, lovely one. You are most definitely not leading an unexamined life. Good for you, on looking within, working out why you do the things you do. You are doing a great service to your girls, your hubby … but most of all yourself.

    Be gentle on yourself. XOX

    Reply
  3. Kirsten

    Isn’t the insight we get as we get older (okay, not older…more mature 🙂 ) pretty amazing? Also a scary thing when we see where our habits came from and that we now hold that power in our little hands. I still so envy your therapy sessions; I can only imagine how much better you must feel after each.
    Oh, and I love the first shot in the previous post…beautiful!!

    Reply
  4. motheringmymiraclemultiples

    We have so many similarities. I was the tomboy too. I got down on myself about not being able to carry the twins to term. I live for compliments, too. I never really thought about why, but I am sure it is some deep seeded self-esteem issue.

    Maybe I should consider therapy sessions too….might be a little too scary….

    Reply
  5. Stacie

    Oh, Maya. Hugs to you. I know that the therapy sessions are not fun, but the fact that you are doing whatever you can to make sure that you are not like your mother was to you is wonderful. Your girls are truly lucky to have a mom who loves them so much. 🙂

    Reply
  6. m

    This might be kitchen-counter psychology, but it also seems to me that your spending habits may have something to do with your relationship with your grandmother, and how she would give you money to go and buy things that would make you happy.
    Some of the positive relationships in your life (such as the one you had with her) were associated with spending money (among other things of course, I’m not suggesting that this is the only thing she did to show you she cared), while the negative ones (your dad, for ex.) did not care for material things to an extreme – my mom is the same way, so I know where you’re coming from. An interesting blog you might have heard about for financial management is called the simple dollar – you might want to check it out. I’ve found it really useful.

    Reply

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