Hi, I’m GeminiGirl…. and I’m a Spend-a-holic

 

 

Yes, I am.

I am dealing with this in therapy. So many things unearthed- so many reasons why I do it.

Food used to be my addiction. I ate so much, ate and ate and ate…. it filled my life.

Then the Doctors found a 14cm cyst in my huge belly, one that went undetected by me because I figured I was just overweight.

The Doctor sat me down and told me that the grapefruit sized cyst was sitting on my right fallopian tube, and that it- and the tube- needed to be removed. I was 22.

How could I have been so disconnected from myself, from my body- not to realize that I had this enormous form growing inside of me?

I was told that a girl my age should not weigh what I did, that I needed to lose weight.

Easier said than done, right?

I decided to change my eating habits and start anew the day after the surgery ( but not the night before, as I had a huge meal from McDonald’s as my last “Hurrah”).

At the time, I was dating my husband. The same day I had my surgery to remove the cyst, was the day he and his best friend were in the airport waiting to board a plane to India (they had been planning that trip for years- buying motorcycles and backpacking through the country). I was alone. But I knew I could get through it.

I decided that those 4 months that we spent a part, would be my motivator to lose the weight.

I had the surgery and was weak, couldn’teat. Lost a few pounds. Then, with that as my motivator, I began watching what I ate, and started to exercise.. I did it in a healthy way.

And I started to melt.

I dropped 40 pounds. It felt great.

But now all my clothes didn’t fit… I needed to buy new ones.

So I did.

And with each new article of clothing I purchased, I felt power. It made me feel good that for once I was viewed as beautiful, and not just the “girl with the pretty face” (which we all know what that means, don’t we?).

I flew to see my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) after he returned from India, and no one- including him- recognized me. I heard compliments right and left.

One of my husband’s neighbors who I had met once before the weight loss (when I was blond- yeah, it was bad), introduced herself to me. I said I had met her, and she said that she only remembered meeting my husband’s old girlfriend who was heavy with blond hair… ha.

With my new body, I was finally able to dress the way I always wanted to- trendy, “with it”- not just all in black to hide the fat.

People complimented me often for my clothing or the way I looked. It fed my insecurity. Made me feel good.

Food was no longer my addiction, as we all know: if you don’t solve the reason why you eat, or spend, or do drugs- you will just move from addiction, to addiction.

Buying something new, makes me feel good inside. It’s a rush.

Usually, I will buy clothing, things for the home, gifts, etc.

The way my home looks is a reflection of me, and when people come by- I often get the “wow” factor. My apartment is not big by any means, and I cant do much with the  ugly bathroom, but I can do a lot with how I decorate the place.

I fight with my husband often about my spending. We are currently a one income family. My husband is in school, and I work. Money is the number one reasons couples break up. He likes to knit pick about every little thing I buy, and a part of me feels like he has no say- since I am the one making the money.

I care so much; too much, about what others think of me, how others view me. 

These things that I purchase, give me other peoples approvals- something I didnt have while growing up.

My mother always managed to find fault with me. She would often berate me. I remember being in the 8th grade and not being able to see the blackboard from my desk. I tried on a classmate’s glasses and suddenly, I could see everything from far!

I remember going to an optometrist with my father, and being prescribed glasses. I came home and told my mother that the glasses would be ready for pick up next week.

She looked at me and said “Really, you re going to need glasses? You already wear braces. Do you really want to be “that” girl?” I don’t think you really need the glasses”

So I guess I know the source of my insecurities, but dealing with them- slaying the dragons- are much harder.

 I look at my girls, and see a blank slate. I don’t want to pass this on to them.

I buy them mostly clothes, because how they are dressed- is a reflection of me.

And I will probably buy them things that they ask for as they get older so that they can fit in (or conform- however you want to view it).

 

At least I am in therapy discussing it.

Do any of you feel like you have some sort of addiction that you cant break, but don’t want to pass on to your kids? Come on- spill it.

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9 thoughts on “Hi, I’m GeminiGirl…. and I’m a Spend-a-holic

  1. KJ and the kids

    I think you said it at the end….how they dress is a reflection on me. I guess for now, until they dress themselves…but remember they are their own little people and holding yourself to a very high standard tends to put them at an even higher standard because you too see it as a reflection of yourself which is not true.

    My mom I’m sure considers my being gay a HUGE reflection on how she maybe parented me….I’m sure she has over analyzed to death how she raised me. The fact is…I am who I am because it’s just me. I take full responsiblity for the person I am and wish that she would see it that way as well.
    It would cut out all of the uncomfortable crap and instead of feeling guilty or responsible or mad about it….she could just love me for me.
    That is the biggest gift we can give our children.
    Unconditional love ! no strings attached.

    Reply
  2. Sugar & Ice

    I honestly can’t think of an addiction I have, though I have plenty of flaws and plenty of things I could improve upon.

    You remind me so much of my mom….she has a lot of the same insecurities because of being overweight when she was younger and having her parents make her point it out to her so often when she was a kid. One good thing that came from it that will probably be good for your girls….my mom never ever made me feel like I was anything other than just beautiful. Of course, eventually, I figured out that I’m not nearly as pretty as she always said, but because of the way she was treated, she would never ever make her kids feel insecure.

    Reply
  3. kerry

    I grew up with my mom never being happy with herself specifically speaking, her weight. Now, up until she went through menopause she was never larger than a 10! So I believe I got my distorted view of what is “fat” from her (and the media of course). I am completely disgusted with my body and I can’t even blame it on carrying twins because I lost all my pregnancy weight plus 5 pounds within a month of having them. I ended up gaining it all back within 2-3 months of having them. I vow never to speak of weight issues in front of my kids or any other insecurities for that matter. I don’t want to put anything in their heads that doesn’t need to be there.

    Thank you for sharing what you did. It was very brave and I really feel for you.

    Reply
  4. Helene

    I admire you for your honesty. And a huge high-5 to you for working on your issues in therapy. I’m right there with you. My mom was very similar to your mom and I’m working hard in therapy now to break the cycle so I don’t do the same things to my kids. Sometimes I’ll catch myself saying to my daughter, after she insists on wearing striped pink and purple tights with a yellow and orange spotted dress, “you don’t really want to wear that, do you? Don’t you think your friends might laugh at you?” and I instantly want to smack myself in the mouth. I swear, it’s like my mother’s voice came right out of me! So I’m working on it…it’s a work in progress!

    Reply
  5. topcat

    Oh, GG. Freakin love you, mate!!!!

    If I was to write about my addictions, I would fill the whole of Blogland, ha! But you are so right about swapping one for another – it’s common.
    Addicts look outside of themselves to make them feel better … instead of looking inside.

    You are looking inside! Going to therapy and writing about it here, takes a lot of the power away from it.

    I cannot believe your mum said that. Wicked. You are such, such, SUCH a beautiful woman, inside and out. You are a total glamour, with the bone structure and glossy hair to prove it. You’re an exotic beauty. I imagine random guys must stare at you in the street, wondering about you.

    MWAH!! XOXOXOX

    Reply
  6. Stephanie

    I totally have the same addiction with shopping. I just can’t stop. It has gotten worse since I had my son. My reasons are the same as yours. My husband doesn’t get to mad though, thank goodness!

    Reply

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