Therapy Time Again

Therapy has brought me a lot of self-revelation.

I don’t know what compelled me to go back to therapy. I had felt a bit rejected by my first therapist last year. I missed an appointment (pregnancy brain) and she called me and sounded upset (because I was the last appointment of the day and she could have went home). I never called her back.

Then I went through the hardest year of my life, and was sad. I don’t know if I would call it Post Pardum Depression. I mean, if my pregnancy was normal (IE not premature, one baby with no complications), and I would have felt the way that I did, I would automatically label it PPD. But considering the infertility, the hospitalization for 6 weeks, and the premature birth of my girls- along with caring for two crying infants for 4 months… could I truly call it PPD?

My new therapist says that I had a traumitizing year. I didnt allow myself to think about it all, to sink in.  I felt guilty about saying it out loud. I mean, I’m lucky- my girls are fine! Who am I to complain? But I needed to in order to heal. And I am healing.

The funny thing is, with the emotional healing- comes some physical healing too. I am finally starting to lose much of the weight I gained during my pregnancy, and that is what is helping me feel like myself again. It feels so nice for people to notice ( since it is a gradual process) and to be able to pull clothes out of the back of my closet again! I have put away all my maternity clothes.

Finally.

Putting the clothes away, almost one year after their births…. is like coming full circle. I am healing, but the scars will always be there.. (much like my many stretch marks). I believe I will always fear becoming pregnant again. I will always fear a premature birth. I don’t think I will ever enjoy being pregnant because the fear will haunt me.  I envy pregnant women- the hope, the happiness, the lack of fear.

I am about to make another payment for my egg storage. I make payment bi-yearly. My husband asks me why we should spend money on storing the embryos (I have 6 left ), when we could just go through the process again- with a fresh batch. First of all, I refuse to destroy the eggs/blastocyst- whatever you want out call it- because in a weird way, they are my children. They could have easily been Soleil & Neve. Secondly, I refuse to go through the shots, retrieval, transfer… emotional roller coaster- if I don’t have to.

The lab at the fertility center looked at my chart and said that I shouldn’t have a problem becoming pregnant with my frozen cycle when the time comes. My husband and  I have discussed when we would try again… and although I had been pretty gung-ho about getting pregnant again after the girls were first born, my husband was completely against it.

He couldnt have been more right. I was dealing with emotions that were eating me up inside- and I was in no way ready to have another child. I guess I just wanted to know that I could get pregnant again, and that I could be able to carry a child to term. I thought getting pregnant again was what was going to heal me.

I was wrong.

We’ve agreed to start trying again when the girls turn 4 (3 years from now). A part of me truly wants to know what it’s like to parent ONE baby. That is why I will only have one embryo inserted. Although the percentage of success will be lower (by only inserting 1), I am willing to take that chance. My body cannot carry twins to term. And frankly, I don’t think we could handle it again emotionally  .

And the girls will be old enough to be “Mommy’s little helpers”- getting me diapers, a bottle… whatever it is I need. I love that I have twins- they will have one another, even if mommy can never have another baby.

It saddens me that I have not truly enjoyed their first year. I was vacant for most of it. I am only now just starting to unpack my old clothing… and my old self.

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8 thoughts on “Therapy Time Again

  1. Kirsten

    I think you’ve done a great job in taking this year to heal and take care of yourself by losing the weight (wish I could say the same) and getting back into therapy (also, wish I could say the same). The healing is definitley apparent through your writing.
    I feel the same about my embryos as you do…we’ve got five and while I’d love to know what it feels like to get pregnant the good ‘ol fashioned way, I know there pretty much a >1% chance of that happening and I feel like I need to give my fab five a shot at life. But, like you, I only want to transfer one so we’ll probably only thaw out two at a time…not sure how I will handle it if they both make the thaw but I’ll cross that bridge when and if we get there!
    Sounds like you guys have a good plan!

    Reply
  2. heather...

    I have all the same pregnancy fears. Is it weird to say that I envy that you know you can’t carry twins, and therefore should be able to avoid the problems you faced? I just wish I had answers. I won’t ever enjoy being pregnant, either. It’s such a bummer. I’m so glad Neve and Soleil have each other. I wish Maddie had a twin sometimes for the exact same reason.

    Reply
  3. es

    I also envy those that seem so care-free during their pregnancies. Any further IVF cycles that I do will also be with just one embryo, because I can’t handle the bed rest and most of all the fear that I had during my twin pregnancy. I feel like I was sooo lucky that I carried them to term and what are the odds that I can be that lucky again?

    Reply
  4. Rachel Inbar

    Pretty nice to have ‘just’ one after twins… The odds of pregnancy if you transfer one frozen embryo in each of two cycles is very close to that of transferring two in a single cycle – but almost eliminates the chance of twins. Many European countries have switched to eSET (elective single embryo transfer), especially in women who are under 35.

    Reply
  5. HeatherPride

    I have two children and they were both born early. I’m not sure what it would be like to have 2 early babies at once. It was hard doing them one at a time. And I always say, if it weren’t for our camera, I wouldn’t have any memories of their first years at all because for the first six months you are too exhausted and feel like you’re living in a fog, and the second six months just fly by!

    Best wishes for the second time around. I think it’s wise to wait until the girls are 4. My oldest was almost 4 when my daughter was born.

    Reply

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