I finally succumbed to my reason and decided to go see a new therapist.
I had been seeing one for years (you would too if you had a mother like mine) but since her office hours and location were out of the way, it wasn’t very convenient with my new mommy hours.
I have been trying to supress these past 2 years and the hardships I have dealt with -with much strength. Alas, it is not working.
I am lucky enough to have medical insurance which includes therapy- so off I went on a search for a new health care professional. I picked one for the sole fact that it was a woman and that her office was across the street from my work office. Wonderful!
So I went to see her last week, and this morning.
I like her. She’s good.
The problem with that is that I am now raw and naked. I hate being that way. I hate it.
I hate being vulnerable.
But in order to heal, I have to.
I spoke about the things that I dare not speak of.
I fear that I will become like my mother.
I feel emotionally unavailable for my children.
I am in robotic mode… feeding, changing, bathing, playing…. when I am with my girls.
I feel that if I give myself a chance to feel and to think, then I wont be able to operate.
The entire process of TTC and IVF, my grandmother’s passing, Hospital bed rest, then the Premature birth of my girls has taken an emotional tax on me that I have YET TO DEAL with. I brush it all aside, because frankly I just don’t have time.
I feel guilty saying that I am depressed because I have been blessed with two daughters. I mean, I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful family… and yet I am not happy.
Of course my therapist believes it all stems from my mother- which sounds a typical. But my mother really has been the driving force behind who I am today and why I do the things that I do. She is the reason why I never felt like I belonged anywhere… and still feel today. That’s because I never felt as though I belonged in my own home.
For these reasons I am SCARED TO DEATH that I will be a mother like my own. Of course, worrying about it is one reason that I will not be like her.
So I am taking steps to fixing these thought patterns.
I think talking about all that I have been through these last few years will really help me heal in the long run…I just dislike the ride there.