I finally succumbed to my reason and decided to go see a new therapist.

I had been seeing one for years (you would too if you had a mother like mine) but since her office hours and location were out of the way, it wasn’t very convenient with my new mommy hours.

I have been trying to supress these past 2 years and the hardships I have dealt with -with much strength. Alas, it is not working.

I am lucky enough to have medical insurance which includes therapy- so off I went on a search for a new health care professional. I picked one for the sole fact that it was a woman and that her office was across the street from my work office. Wonderful!

So I went to see her last week, and this morning.

I like her. She’s good.

The problem with that is that I am now raw and naked. I hate being that way. I hate it.

I hate being vulnerable.

But in order to heal, I have to.

I spoke about the things that I dare not speak of.

I fear that I will become like my mother.

I feel emotionally unavailable for my children.

I am in robotic mode… feeding, changing, bathing, playing…. when I am with my girls.

I feel that if I give myself a chance to feel and to think, then I wont be able to operate.

The entire process of TTC and IVF, my grandmother’s passing, Hospital bed rest, then the Premature birth of my girls has taken an emotional tax on me that I have YET TO DEAL with. I brush it all aside, because frankly I just don’t have time.

I feel guilty saying that I am depressed because I have been blessed with two daughters. I mean, I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful family… and yet I am not happy.

Of course my therapist believes it all stems from my mother- which sounds a typical. But my mother really has been the driving force behind who I am today and why I do the things that I do.  She is the reason why I never felt like I belonged anywhere… and still feel today. That’s because I never felt as though I belonged in my own home.

For these reasons I am SCARED TO DEATH that I will be a mother like my own. Of course, worrying about it is one reason that I will not be like her.

Heavy stuff.

So I am taking steps to fixing these thought patterns.

I think talking about all that I have been through these last few years will really help me heal in the long run…I just dislike the ride there.


10 thoughts on “Therapy

  1. Kirsten

    I think that is wonderful that you are talking to someone…I have felt the urge to do that for years. Honestly, I think everyone could benefit from it. We all have issues. That is so nice that her office is right by yours. I think I might look into that today to see if there is someone near my office that I could see.
    I’m sure you’ve heard it before and you’ll hear it again…it’s okay to feel the way you do. What we have been through is overwhelming but, you are right, we just don’t have time to really process it. So, I commend you for making time and I hope that you get what you need from it.
    And from the smiles I see on those precious girls’ faces, I’d say you are a pretty damn good mommy!!!

  2. KJ and the kids

    I’m glad you are on the road to recovery.
    What’s the line on Hope Floats. Childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives trying to get over.
    The beginning is hard the end is sad it’s what we do in the middle that counts.

  3. staciet

    What a ggod thing to do for yourself. You are a very strong person, Maya. I am glad that you are working through all of your fears. Like Anna said, it is when you don’t address this stuff that it gets the best of you. Your girls are very lucky to have you as their mommy.

  4. Petals

    I am in a very similar place and have been in therapy too– mostly due to my mother. Just know that the fact that you don’t want to be like your mother is a good thing and that alone will force you to be the kind of mother you want to be…good luck with it!

  5. topcat

    GG. Raw and vulnerable and naked … all the icky feelings. BUT GOOD ON YOU!!

    I read this post quickly this morning and didn’t get a chance to comment. I wondered, how many times has your mum gone to therapy? Probably not many, I’m guessing none. You are already different from her.

    You HAVE gone through so much this past year .. for Christs sake, you are SO YOUNG too. Your awareness is awesome.

    And, btw ….. TIger is the HERO of his class, with his Ben 10 paraphanalia. And there are still chocolates left! Thank you so, so much, again. You done give us dysfunctional Aussie family some good lovin’!!!


  6. Pillarr1

    You have done and are doing what many of us refuse to do – get help from an outside source. You are such a great person for doing that. I wish I could be more like you. I have to comment on the “robotic mode” comment that you made. It consists of changing, washing, feeding, cleaning, washing bottles, playing, trying to put them down for naps, etc. I am also stuck in this mode while trying to feel happy at the same time. It is hard when you do not get proper sleep and have other distracting factors in your life. But I wonder if this IS what motherhood is. All those other people out there are experiencing and have experienced the same thing and just don’t talk about it. Or, are we the only ones who feel this way? I think not.

    Good luck to you with your therapy.

  7. ally

    i can absolutely identify with what you’re going through right now with all the vulnerability that comes with letting it all out with a therapist. i hate talking about my deep dark issues, but as you said, it is the only way to heal. some of us just need a little more help in the coping department. your girls are so lucky to have a mom who is as in-touch with herself as you are. good luck with everything!

  8. heather...

    well, I took the first step and talked to my doctor, but I haven’t taken the next step and called a therapist yet. For all the reasons you discussed. I know I NEED to do it, to heal and move on from that crappy year, but I am just not ready to relive it all yet. I need to.

  9. Sugar & Ice

    It’s great to know that you’re talking to someone, b/c you really don’t deserve to feel this way. You’re such a generous, sweet lady and an obviously wonderful mother. You need to realize it, and if it takes seeing your therapist to make that happen then I hope you continue until it works! God bless!!


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