Take out your violins

I feel like I’m going through life’s motions all the while numb inside.

I have always lived life waiting for the next thing to come by and somehow make me happy or make my life complete. It’s like there is always this void and every time I think I will fill it with something, it never gets filled.

I should be so happy. I mean I am. Sometimes when everything is good, you start to look for flaws I guess.

I am married to a wonderful man who is a good husband and great father (OK so he doesn’t celebrate my birthday, anniversary’s, holidays etc). I have two BEAUTIFUL daughters who GD had blessed me with after quite the journey. These girls give me a purpose, and I have yet to “feel” like a mother.

I mean, what does being a mother feel like? What is it supposed to feel like?

Do I love them? check
Do I kiss and hug them? check
Do I provide food and shelter? check
Would I die for them? check

I also feel like a machine most of the time. With multiples it is hard to step back and enjoy the moment. You always HAVE to do something or other- whether it’s prepare their bottles, change their diapers, entertain them, feed them, bathe them etc. And I KNOW that one day I will look back and ask myself why I didn’t enjoy this time more.

I have a job.
I’m not homeless.
I have parents. I don’t get along too well with said parents or brother, but how many people do? I wish I liked them more. My mother is an overbearing, drama queen who never seemed to be happy with anything I ever did. Of course if I tell her this she will deny and call me a liar and tell you to call any one of her friends for them to tell you what kind of troublemaker I was.

My dad is weird. He just is. He never hugged us or showed us any warmth. He never showed my mother any warmth. They always went on separate vacations (dad went “alone” and my mother took us). It was hard to understand that when I was in middle school and all my friend’s parents were going away somewhere together. My mother stayed for lack of better options and of course “What would the neighbors think”?; plus she couldn’t support herself and us- she never finished high school. I vowed to myself to graduate college and be able to support myself so that I would NEVER have to stay in an unhappy marriage just because I couldn’t make it on my own. I resented her for being weak. I still do. She always expects my dad to take care of her.

I caught my dad cheating on my mom 4 years ago. I mean, I always had a feeling– but that time I saw it with my eyes. There was a woman in his car. I happen to see him on the highway with her. I begged my husband (then boyfriend) to tail him- and he did. My father got hold of this and made out of that traffic jam with the wings of an eagle. I will never forget that. Until this day he has never brought it up. I didn’t speak to him for a year after that. He learnt his lesson real well because of it.

My brother has what I believe to be Asperger’s Syndrome. He only talks about himself, shows hardly any emotion when someone else speaks about their problems, becomes obsessed with one subject and needs to know everything about it, and is awkward in a crowd. He is my only brother and I love him. But he looks up to me and that makes me uncomfortable. I mean he’s my OLDER brother.

I chose my husband because he is a good soul, because he doesn’t judge me. I know that we will take vacations together, and that we enjoy each other’s company. He hugs and kisses our daughters and I know they could come to him with a problem.

So I have it good. I just wish I wasn’t always looking for the next great thing to happen- whatever that may be.

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7 thoughts on “Take out your violins

  1. Stacie

    Maya,

    I feel it, too. I wish I could just live in the moment and just enjoy. I am not sure why I find that so hard…I wish I didn’t.

    Much love to you, Maya.

    Reply
  2. Kirsten

    Ever since I hit 30 I have been trying to take time to sit back and look at my life and be thankful for each day. The problem I have is that I worry when things are going too well, something bad is bound to happen. Guess I’m a glass-half-empty type of girl.
    For your comments on my post…
    I WISH I could bake!! My husband is the cook in our family and he’s making a huge lunch for the party. He wanted to do the cake, too, but I wanted something fancy…I act like it’s their sweet sixteen or something!! I think it’s also because I skimped on a lot of things for our wedding since we had just graduated college so now when I throw a party, I try to make up for that because I regret not doing more for the wedding and I don’t want to feel that way about anything else! Weird.
    As for the food issue…
    We started kind of late. Their teachers kept telling me that they would eat things like Goldfish and graham crackers at school but I just didn’t believe it. I just couldn’t see them chewing with only 2-3 teeth in the front. But, they did. We just gave up on baby food this past week because they pretty much refuse to eat it. I started out with YoBaby yogurt, string cheese and those nasty Vienna-sausage like turkey/chicken sticks (made by Gerber) because they are very easy to mash. Also, my husband will make squash and sweet potatoes and mash them up. We have found that they love anything they can feed themselves. Of course, we just keep an eye on them the whole time. If you haven’t tried the Gerber Puffs yet, give those a shot. They seemed to really help the girls learn to chew, plus they dissolve so I never worried. I also found Baby Goldfish yesterday that are much smaller and easier for them to eat. Oh, and you might also want to try giving them little pieces of lunch meat.
    One thing I do NOT recommend is the Biter Biscuits. I have tried them 3 times now and every time I end up scraping a HUGE piece out of their mouths because they break off really easy. Too scary.
    Oh, and also the diced fruits by Gerber are good, too. They are a little slippery for them to pick up so we usually spoon-feed those. I just noticed yesterday that Gerber now makes side dishes, such as mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes, that you just heat up in the microwave so we are trying those tonight.
    One other thing they love to eat…pancakes. We cut them into tiny pieces and they go for it. Landry ate a whole pancake on Sunday!
    Have fun experimenting!!!

    Reply
  3. Kirsten

    I forgot to say that we started foods when they were about 10months old but probably could have started earlier…I was just a ‘fraidy cat.

    Reply
  4. Furrow

    It’s wonderful that you are modelling warmth, affection, and mutual respect for your children. Many people don’t manage to break the cycle of dysfunction they inherit from their parents.

    I’m sorry that things have been difficult for your lately. I’m just catching up, but it sounds like your job situation is working out okay. I’m really glad.

    Reply
  5. Heather

    I’m like you – except, I’m always waiting for the BAD thing to come. Why do we do this to ourselves?

    Reply
  6. Sugar&Ice

    I’m usually very optimistic, very glass half full….but lately I’ve been feeling like you. I have felt like there’s a dark cloud hanging over my head. I hate that feeling. Everything is so good for us, but I’m just so worried about things I don’t have really any control over (not baby stuff). Ugg.

    Reply
  7. Pillarr1

    I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I have always thought of the next thing in my life. I will graduate. Get a car. A job. A boyfriend. A husband. That took years. I moved numerous times trying to find happiness. I feel the same way with having a child. I thought that would make me happy and I would never want anything again. It does make me happy. BUT now I just want her to sleep through the night. It will make me happy to get some rest and everything will be fine then. It will be on to the next thing after that. I think a lot of us are like this.

    Reply

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