I feel like I’m going through life’s motions all the while numb inside.
I have always lived life waiting for the next thing to come by and somehow make me happy or make my life complete. It’s like there is always this void and every time I think I will fill it with something, it never gets filled.
I should be so happy. I mean I am. Sometimes when everything is good, you start to look for flaws I guess.
I am married to a wonderful man who is a good husband and great father (OK so he doesn’t celebrate my birthday, anniversary’s, holidays etc). I have two BEAUTIFUL daughters who GD had blessed me with after quite the journey. These girls give me a purpose, and I have yet to “feel” like a mother.
I mean, what does being a mother feel like? What is it supposed to feel like?
Do I love them? check
Do I kiss and hug them? check
Do I provide food and shelter? check
Would I die for them? check
I also feel like a machine most of the time. With multiples it is hard to step back and enjoy the moment. You always HAVE to do something or other- whether it’s prepare their bottles, change their diapers, entertain them, feed them, bathe them etc. And I KNOW that one day I will look back and ask myself why I didn’t enjoy this time more.
I have a job.
I’m not homeless.
I have parents. I don’t get along too well with said parents or brother, but how many people do? I wish I liked them more. My mother is an overbearing, drama queen who never seemed to be happy with anything I ever did. Of course if I tell her this she will deny and call me a liar and tell you to call any one of her friends for them to tell you what kind of troublemaker I was.
My dad is weird. He just is. He never hugged us or showed us any warmth. He never showed my mother any warmth. They always went on separate vacations (dad went “alone” and my mother took us). It was hard to understand that when I was in middle school and all my friend’s parents were going away somewhere together. My mother stayed for lack of better options and of course “What would the neighbors think”?; plus she couldn’t support herself and us- she never finished high school. I vowed to myself to graduate college and be able to support myself so that I would NEVER have to stay in an unhappy marriage just because I couldn’t make it on my own. I resented her for being weak. I still do. She always expects my dad to take care of her.
I caught my dad cheating on my mom 4 years ago. I mean, I always had a feeling– but that time I saw it with my eyes. There was a woman in his car. I happen to see him on the highway with her. I begged my husband (then boyfriend) to tail him- and he did. My father got hold of this and made out of that traffic jam with the wings of an eagle. I will never forget that. Until this day he has never brought it up. I didn’t speak to him for a year after that. He learnt his lesson real well because of it.
My brother has what I believe to be Asperger’s Syndrome. He only talks about himself, shows hardly any emotion when someone else speaks about their problems, becomes obsessed with one subject and needs to know everything about it, and is awkward in a crowd. He is my only brother and I love him. But he looks up to me and that makes me uncomfortable. I mean he’s my OLDER brother.
I chose my husband because he is a good soul, because he doesn’t judge me. I know that we will take vacations together, and that we enjoy each other’s company. He hugs and kisses our daughters and I know they could come to him with a problem.
So I have it good. I just wish I wasn’t always looking for the next great thing to happen- whatever that may be.