V- Is for Vent

I am so bad, I didn’t blog yesterday! I guess the april 30 days of blogging is out the window for me then?

I had a long weekend.

The girls did get their ears pierced on Saturday.

You know, I want to write about it- but I am so pissed off right now that I cant focus on that. I need to vent a bit, so bare with me ladies. I hate venting on here, because it is supposed to be a place of happiness and milestones. But sometimes, i just need to get it off my chest and maybe get a little advice on the side from all you amazing people who read my blog (so many women who I wish I knew in real life).

Warning: Long post

My mother.

I have written about her before. Is it sad to say that I don’t love her? Today, that reality has officially sunk in.

I don’t love my mother. It’s not like I have never loved her, it’s that she has done so many things and said so many things that have lead to this realization.

I know that I need to be thankful that I wasn’t physically or sexually abused as a child.. I know that others have had it so much worse than I. But just because I wasn’t abused, does that make her mothering enough?

I came from a very dysfunctional household.

Although there were no drugs or alcohol involved, there was a lot of anger and resentment that manifested itself on the children.

My parents never loved one another. My dad was 34 years old, and twice divorced when he married my 22 year old mother.

They married after knowing one another for 3 months (and not because they were crazy in love). Although my father was born in Israel, he moved to New York in 1970. One day while vacationing in Israel in 1977, he was at his brother’s wedding. There he and my mother met (she was the brides cousin). From the information that I have pieced together, she wanted adventure- she was from a small town and wanted to get away, and knew that the only way she could was to marry someone who lived far away (because if she did leave by herself, her parents would be shamed and then of course- what would the neighbors think?!)

Quickly though, my mother realized that she had made a mistake… but alas, she was pregnant with my brother (he was a honeymoon baby- apparently those actually happen!). They moved to New York and my mother knew hardly any English. She was alone and away from her family. She didn’t have a job, and she put her entire self into raising my brother and I. She never thought of leaving my father because again, What would her family say, or the neighbors (constant theme in my life)!?!

My parents constantly fought and never did anything together. They never vacationed together- only a part, and never just went out to dinner and a movie. That was quite strange for me to see as a child, when all of my friend’s parents went out and seemed to care for one another.

This marriage in turn, made my mother bitter and her bitterness eventually turned to us. I wasn’t the daughter my mother dreamed of having. She wanted a girl- girl, and I wasa tomboy. On many a occasion she would say “You should have been born a boy”. Imagine what those words does to the self esteem on a 6 year old trying to figure out her place in the world? When I was a little girls, I couldn’t pronounce “th” as in the, mother, father. I would say “f” instead of “th” as in mofer, fafer,brofer. My mother would often say, “Why cant you speak normally like your brother? Even my friend’s child who wasn’t born in the US, speaks better than you”.

Now, if I ever retell these stories to my mother today, she calls me a liar. Today for example, when I retold the story about the doll that never came in the mail, she called me a liar- then went on to say what difference did it make since she bought me many toys.

My brother is 30, lives at home and has never had a serious girlfriend. He also has OCD. Something is just “off” about him. He is very intelligent, but lacks basic people skills. For many years I just could not have a conversation with him since he would always solely talk about himself. When I would try to bring up something about myself, he disconnected. He is very selfish. When I was on hospital bed rest for 5 weeks- he only came to vist me once- two weeks after the fact- and left early because he had a date.

Then once the girls were born, and in the NICU, he wanted to come see them. He apologized for the way he had acted and really just wanted to see his nieces. So we took him one day with us. Right before Neve came home, my friend threw me a baby shower. He was supposed to come with a girl he was dating at the time. As the hours passed, he never showed. I called him and he didn’t answer. Suddenly I got a text message that said “Please note, we will not be attending because we are both under the weather”.

Yes- he wrote that. NO gifts for his nieces, no participating in a party for them or for me after all that I had went through.

And after all of this- he is still my mothers favorite. He sits there and shares his life with her. Tells her about his dating, about work etc. I don’t. She loves that he shares things with her. She hates that I dont.

I don’t because my experience has taught me otherwise. Once you tell her something and open up, she knows your weakness and uses it against you in a time of anger. She did this constantly when I was a child. Imagine your mother throwing your insecurity’s in your face when you are young? What does that do to you? She even did that to me today.

When I was leaving for work, she said “You think you are so important (because I am the only one in my family with a degree) ,that your job is so important? You are one step up from serving tea to people (implying that my job as the executive assistant to the EVP of the company is degrading)”. She knows that I have said that this job was only a stepping stone in my career, since this is the company that I have dreamt of working for since I was a child, and that working for the EVP for a while pretty much guarantees that I will get a great position in the future within the company. But alas, she had to berate me and my accomplishments.

But again, if I bring this up she calls me a liar.

Everyone said that once I would become a mother, I would feel differently about her.

I don’t. I cant stand her even more so. To think that I would put down these two precious little girls who I brought into this world and hurt them to the point where they couldn’t trust me, or hug me? I cant imagine it.

I don’t care what kind of marriage she had with my father- that is no excuse for behaving the way she does.

Today we fought. Words were said.

It started when I had said to her not to talk so loud to Neve when she wakes up (since Neve is very sensitive to noise, especially when she wakes up). My mother told me to “Shut up”. She doesn’t respect me as a mother. She says that I am not her boss. I’m not a boss- I’m their mom and entitled to tell her how I feel. She proceeded to tell me that she raised me and I’m fine. I proceeded to tell her that I am only fine because I went to many years of therapy (she thinks only crazy people go to therapy).

After this, words escalated. She even proceeded to talk badly about my husband (because I was talking badly about my brother)- as if that is equal in some way? My husband has been nothing but nice to her and to my dad. When my father redid his kitchen floor last month, he called my husband for help. He never asked his own son. As my husband, and 65 year old father were on the floor, my brother- walked past the mess making sure not to step on anything! What kind of man is this?

I need to find another child care option. This just will not work. And its not as if I’m not paying her anyway. Yes, it would cost so much more than I pay now, but she has way too much power over us because she knows we don’t have too many options.

I know she loves those girls with all her being, and that she treats them well. But when we fought today- the girls were just sitting there with puzzled looks on their faces. Why do they have to witness that? Why?

I am just up in arms right now. I am so hurt today.

I am hurt because it’s official- I don’t love her. I don’t love my mother.

I worry that my girls will one day feel the same way about me. But I know that I will NEVER be the same way or treat my daughters the same way my mother has treated me.

I will talk about happier things necxt post. I just cant bring myself to do it now.

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11 thoughts on “V- Is for Vent

  1. PamalaLauren

    Yeah the one thing your mother has given you is the ability to know what not to do with your children. I know that I know what not to do with my child because of what I experienced as a child.

    But you are totally correct, the problem your mother has at the moment is she has far too much power and she knows it. Time to find someone else.

    Seeing as you are in a rather large city I’d look into Nannies, perhaps there is one who is pretty good priced.

    Reply
  2. Chas

    I wish I had some magic way to mend your relationship with your mother.

    My father had a terrible childhood. He and his three brothers were abused physically and mentally by both of his parents. My grandparents’ actions nearly ruined my father’s life, but somehow he was able to forgive them…not forget, but he has forgiven.

    The difference between my dad’s situation and yours is this…while my grandparents completely ignore their past action and act as if nothing ever happened, they have changed. They treat their remaining children (two of my dad’s brother’s have passed at a young age) and their grandchildren quite well. They aren’t abusive in any way. As a matter of fact, you’d never know that they had a mean bone in their bodies. They are giving and lovely, and have been pretty much as long as I’ve been around. So, in a way, they’ve made it up to him, which allows forgiveness.

    Unfortunately for you, your mother doesn’t seem to have changed. She actually seems quite jealous of you. She probably regrets never making anything of her life. I’m not saying that being a stay at home mom or a house wife means you’ve made nothing of your life, but..well I’ll explain. Deep down, she probably knows that she wasn’t a great mother, and since that was basically her life’s work, it has to be upsetting to know she didn’t do a good job at the thing she spent all those years doing.

    On another aside, my mother never really knew her biological father. She had contact with his mother, but he was off traveling the world. When I was a kid, she tried to reconnect with him. He seemed interested, but it was such a taxing relationship. He simply just wasn’t a caring person. She put so much into it with basically nothing in return. Eventually (finally), she cut her losses and moved on. She hasn’t seen the man in years. Does she hate him? No, I don’t think so. Does she love him? Umm…not like a person normally loves a family member. Because she’s a nice person, she probably loves him like a person loves their neighbor or homeless person…she hopes the best for him, but she doesn’t LOVE him…and I’d say that it’s probably mutual.

    So, what are you to do? I have no idea and hesitate to even comment on that part. I do think you need to start looking into alternative childcare options ASAP. I think dealing with your mom on a daily basis when you feel this way about her is probably very unhealthy. Plus, as your daughter’s get older, you’re going to have a lot more conflict with the way she treats them, especially if she doesn’t welcome your input. Aside from getting a new babysitter or daycare, that is up to you. I think you’d regret cutting her out of your life completely, but maybe you could put a little distance there so you don’t have to deal with it so much.

    Also, about your brother…he sounds very much like a person with Asperger’s Syndrome. It’s a high functioning form of autism. I’ve had several students with it, and they are normally very smart, but their social skills are quite lacking and they are normally not very empathetic. They just don’t process like other people. Normally, by adulthood people with Asperger’s function like the rest of us, but they still might be awkward socially. It’s just a thought. It’s a little late for diagnosing him now though.

    Reply
  3. Rachel Inbar

    Very sad 😦

    At some point, you’ll choose the type of relationship you want to have with her and then things will be easier for you. Being dependent on her for childcare probably prevents you from being able to make those decisions now.

    You asked me on my blog about my FET – mine were only frozen for about 3 months – they were born exactly a year from the day they were made 🙂

    Reply
  4. Stacie

    Hugs, Maya.

    Your girls will NOT feel the same way about you–I have no worry about that. You are a great mom, and they love you now and for always.

    Be kind to yourself today…

    Reply
  5. Rachel

    Hey, thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. I just started reading your blog, so I’m not so ready to respond to your most recent post except to say I am so, so sorry that your relationship was so hard.

    I’m glad to hear that you knew you were having twins so early. Twins would be fine for us, but we are terrified of high-order-multiples. And I couldn’t get a BETA because I’ve been out of the country since 2 dpo (and now I am seriously regretting not going to Israel for pesach – I could have seen a doctor much sooner there).

    Good luck finding a new daycare situation.

    Reply
  6. K J and the kids

    I’m sorry that you are having such a bad day.
    I hope that things work themselves out to be a good situation for everybody.

    Reply
  7. Topcat

    Oh, sweetheart. I hear you … I relate so much. I don’t like my mother either …… my relationship with her DEFINITELY changed after I had Tiger …. for the worse. I cut her off even more, very distant and vague. Just how I like it.

    It’s a tricky one, so much can be emeshed with mothers. I didn’t realise you were paying her to mind your beautiful girls. I hope you can find other childcare soon, and that it’s affordable for you both. Won’t your mum get a shock then!

    But I think it’s needed. I hope you feel a bit better by the time you read this. You DID blog on Saturday – you wrote that the girls got their ears pierced. I’m sure that counts?

    Love to you xoxoxoxo

    Reply
  8. The Dunn Family

    Oh Maya! First off, huge hug! Your daughters will NEVER feel that way about you, as you are a well adjusted woman who is happy in her life, and happy mom = happy family.

    I grew up in a home where my parents did not love each other, and me and my sister had a lot of issues from it. Luckily my mother didn’t take our her unhappiness on us, it was more my father that did that. Me and my sis both went to therapy, but the huge difference is that my dad realized all the wrong he did, and constantly works at making a relationship with us.

    You can’t make a good relationship with your mom. She needs to be involved in it as well. You can’t do it alone, and it seems like she is so jealous of the wonderful life you have created for yourself (all the things she puts down, your loving husband, your job, your independence, etc).

    Ah man, family can be tough. Huge hug to you and your girls … now you know exactly how NOT to treat them!

    Hugs!

    Reply
  9. Kerry Lynn

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
    You seem like such a sweet, fun person and it just seems so strange to think that your mother could talk badly to you.

    Once when I was a kid my dad said to me “if I was a kid I wouldn’t want to be your friend.” I’m sure I had just done some stupid kid thing to a friend and he was trying to point out that I shouldn’t do it again, but hello?!? 30 years later I totally remember him saying that to me. We have a hard relationship and I could sit and cry for hours thinking that either of our kids might someday have a bad relationship with me or Chris.

    You are doing a fabulous job with the girls and I’m sure you and your husband will always do what is best for them.

    Reply
  10. Kirsten

    I am scared to death of how my relationship with my girls will be when they hit the teens, twenties and beyond. But, you are right, I could never imagine putting them down or anything even close. I’m sorry you had to have that in your childhood…it is amazing what we remember and our parents don’t have a clue that we do.
    It’s also so scary how the things that happen to us as children can impact our adult lives…causing deep scars. My brother is also a bit “off”…my mom says it is because he had epilepsy as a child but it is also in part to the fact that we had a stepfather (prior to my 2nd stepdad whom I adored) who was verbally abusive to my mom and us. Lots of that stuff stuck with us, especially my brother because he was out of the house by the time my mom came to her wits about the deadbeat she married.
    I know it’ll be hard to spend the money on daycare but I think it’ll be worth it for your sanity. I hate leaving my girls but I have to say that I really think they enjoy going to school and being with other babies and having so much playtime, all day long. There are definitley pros to it.

    Reply
  11. Michell

    I’m sorry. Sometime there are toxic people in our lives and we just have to limit our contact with them. When it’s our mothers it feels so hurtful but you still have to take care of you. I understand some because my mom is a bit toxic herself in her religious beliefs and basically doesn’t speak to me. I finally had to let her be and know it was her loss.

    Reply

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