I am so bad, I didn’t blog yesterday! I guess the april 30 days of blogging is out the window for me then?
I had a long weekend.
The girls did get their ears pierced on Saturday.
You know, I want to write about it- but I am so pissed off right now that I cant focus on that. I need to vent a bit, so bare with me ladies. I hate venting on here, because it is supposed to be a place of happiness and milestones. But sometimes, i just need to get it off my chest and maybe get a little advice on the side from all you amazing people who read my blog (so many women who I wish I knew in real life).
Warning: Long post
I have written about her before. Is it sad to say that I don’t love her? Today, that reality has officially sunk in.
I don’t love my mother. It’s not like I have never loved her, it’s that she has done so many things and said so many things that have lead to this realization.
I know that I need to be thankful that I wasn’t physically or sexually abused as a child.. I know that others have had it so much worse than I. But just because I wasn’t abused, does that make her mothering enough?
I came from a very dysfunctional household.
Although there were no drugs or alcohol involved, there was a lot of anger and resentment that manifested itself on the children.
My parents never loved one another. My dad was 34 years old, and twice divorced when he married my 22 year old mother.
They married after knowing one another for 3 months (and not because they were crazy in love). Although my father was born in Israel, he moved to New York in 1970. One day while vacationing in Israel in 1977, he was at his brother’s wedding. There he and my mother met (she was the brides cousin). From the information that I have pieced together, she wanted adventure- she was from a small town and wanted to get away, and knew that the only way she could was to marry someone who lived far away (because if she did leave by herself, her parents would be shamed and then of course- what would the neighbors think?!)
Quickly though, my mother realized that she had made a mistake… but alas, she was pregnant with my brother (he was a honeymoon baby- apparently those actually happen!). They moved to New York and my mother knew hardly any English. She was alone and away from her family. She didn’t have a job, and she put her entire self into raising my brother and I. She never thought of leaving my father because again, What would her family say, or the neighbors (constant theme in my life)!?!
My parents constantly fought and never did anything together. They never vacationed together- only a part, and never just went out to dinner and a movie. That was quite strange for me to see as a child, when all of my friend’s parents went out and seemed to care for one another.
This marriage in turn, made my mother bitter and her bitterness eventually turned to us. I wasn’t the daughter my mother dreamed of having. She wanted a girl- girl, and I wasa tomboy. On many a occasion she would say “You should have been born a boy”. Imagine what those words does to the self esteem on a 6 year old trying to figure out her place in the world? When I was a little girls, I couldn’t pronounce “th” as in the, mother, father. I would say “f” instead of “th” as in mofer, fafer,brofer. My mother would often say, “Why cant you speak normally like your brother? Even my friend’s child who wasn’t born in the US, speaks better than you”.
Now, if I ever retell these stories to my mother today, she calls me a liar. Today for example, when I retold the story about the doll that never came in the mail, she called me a liar- then went on to say what difference did it make since she bought me many toys.
My brother is 30, lives at home and has never had a serious girlfriend. He also has OCD. Something is just “off” about him. He is very intelligent, but lacks basic people skills. For many years I just could not have a conversation with him since he would always solely talk about himself. When I would try to bring up something about myself, he disconnected. He is very selfish. When I was on hospital bed rest for 5 weeks- he only came to vist me once- two weeks after the fact- and left early because he had a date.
Then once the girls were born, and in the NICU, he wanted to come see them. He apologized for the way he had acted and really just wanted to see his nieces. So we took him one day with us. Right before Neve came home, my friend threw me a baby shower. He was supposed to come with a girl he was dating at the time. As the hours passed, he never showed. I called him and he didn’t answer. Suddenly I got a text message that said “Please note, we will not be attending because we are both under the weather”.
Yes- he wrote that. NO gifts for his nieces, no participating in a party for them or for me after all that I had went through.
And after all of this- he is still my mothers favorite. He sits there and shares his life with her. Tells her about his dating, about work etc. I don’t. She loves that he shares things with her. She hates that I dont.
I don’t because my experience has taught me otherwise. Once you tell her something and open up, she knows your weakness and uses it against you in a time of anger. She did this constantly when I was a child. Imagine your mother throwing your insecurity’s in your face when you are young? What does that do to you? She even did that to me today.
When I was leaving for work, she said “You think you are so important (because I am the only one in my family with a degree) ,that your job is so important? You are one step up from serving tea to people (implying that my job as the executive assistant to the EVP of the company is degrading)”. She knows that I have said that this job was only a stepping stone in my career, since this is the company that I have dreamt of working for since I was a child, and that working for the EVP for a while pretty much guarantees that I will get a great position in the future within the company. But alas, she had to berate me and my accomplishments.
But again, if I bring this up she calls me a liar.
Everyone said that once I would become a mother, I would feel differently about her.
I don’t. I cant stand her even more so. To think that I would put down these two precious little girls who I brought into this world and hurt them to the point where they couldn’t trust me, or hug me? I cant imagine it.
I don’t care what kind of marriage she had with my father- that is no excuse for behaving the way she does.
Today we fought. Words were said.
It started when I had said to her not to talk so loud to Neve when she wakes up (since Neve is very sensitive to noise, especially when she wakes up). My mother told me to “Shut up”. She doesn’t respect me as a mother. She says that I am not her boss. I’m not a boss- I’m their mom and entitled to tell her how I feel. She proceeded to tell me that she raised me and I’m fine. I proceeded to tell her that I am only fine because I went to many years of therapy (she thinks only crazy people go to therapy).
After this, words escalated. She even proceeded to talk badly about my husband (because I was talking badly about my brother)- as if that is equal in some way? My husband has been nothing but nice to her and to my dad. When my father redid his kitchen floor last month, he called my husband for help. He never asked his own son. As my husband, and 65 year old father were on the floor, my brother- walked past the mess making sure not to step on anything! What kind of man is this?
I need to find another child care option. This just will not work. And its not as if I’m not paying her anyway. Yes, it would cost so much more than I pay now, but she has way too much power over us because she knows we don’t have too many options.
I know she loves those girls with all her being, and that she treats them well. But when we fought today- the girls were just sitting there with puzzled looks on their faces. Why do they have to witness that? Why?
I am just up in arms right now. I am so hurt today.
I am hurt because it’s official- I don’t love her. I don’t love my mother.
I worry that my girls will one day feel the same way about me. But I know that I will NEVER be the same way or treat my daughters the same way my mother has treated me.
I will talk about happier things necxt post. I just cant bring myself to do it now.