Mother’s & Valentines Day

So tomorrow is Valentines day. Yes, I know it is a commercial holiday created by greeting card companies, but every girl likes to feel special- even if it takes a made up holiday to do it.

My husband does not have one romantic bone in his body. He just doesn’t get it. When we started dating- even up until a few months ago, I would buy him birthday, anniversary, valentines gifts and cards. His response was very lackluster. He says that he is not a materialistic person and doesn’t care for gifts and occasions. It took a while, but I finally got it- I don’t need to buy him anything. Another thing that should have made me stop doing these things is his lack of doing anything for me on these days. When it comes to my birthday, he’ll say “Buy whatever you want”- how romantic?

Is it so much to want to be surprised? I told him that although he has no need for these things, it is important to me- so he should make an effort for ME.

He said he “would try”…I don’t know if its because he’s a guy, or because he lost his mother as a boy (she made them huge birthday extravaganza’s that ended when she died)…

For example, I have been hinting to him for weeks that v-day was coming up. He said he would do something. I asked him if he did anything last night and he said “oops, I forgot”- but then went online and ordered flowers. It takes away the element of surprise when I have to remind him to do something, don’t you think? It aggravates me.

But wait, it gets better…. he calls me today and says “I don’t know if this is a dumb idea, but maybe we should send some vday flowers to our close friend” (a couple who we love)….. IS HE FOR REAL? I told him that he hardly does anything for me without coaxing, suddenly he wants to send our friends flowers ? I mean WTF? I hung up on him.

I mean, should accept the fact that my husband doesn’t care for these things and isn’t romantic? He is actually a pretty great guy otherwise… helps around the house, with the girls, etc. *Sigh*

Ok, lets move on to my mother- because you all knew it would be coming…

My mom is a nice lady. She is. She loves her granddaughters so much and comes over every morning to take care of them. She even lets my husband sleep for two hours when he comes home so that we can have some sort of schedule.

Well, she also wont listen to me. I asked her repeatedly not to pick up Soleil every time she cries because then she will get used to being picked up. I know that people say that she is too young to associate crying to being picked up- but that is SO WRONG in my experience.

My mom, doesn’t care. She pretty much holds her for hours. My mom says its because soleil is fussy and it calms her. I don’t care if she’s fussy- she needs to learn that she cannot be picked up every time she cries.

For hours last night/this morning she cried. When I would pick her up- she automatically would stop. I am serious- every time.

So this morning when I confronted my mom with this, she said that she doesn’t hold her too much (which is BS) and that she doesn’t think that her crying stops when she is held. Just to disprove her, I took Soleil (who was in my arms that moment) and put her down. She started crying that moment. I would pick her up, and she stopped. My mom said that doesn’t prove anything. So I repeated this a few more times, and every time the same result- held baby= calm baby.

Of course, every time I disprove my mother’s theories she doesn’t know what to say and says something stupid like “Well, she doesn’t do that with me”….

I said, it’s fine if she wants to continue doing it- but that means that she will have to be the one that is up with her all night as well- to reap from her fruits.

She takes offense at everything I say. She says “Do you think you grew up all by yourself?” as in, she raised me and my brother so why worry.

Umm, I worry- she didn’t do such a great job with that. Took years of therapy for me to shake her (you know, her put downs over the years) and my brother is still major damaged because of her. He is 30, lives at home with my parents, hasn’t had one normal relationship, is a major mamma’s boy, and has OCD problems- which he is on meds for. She was wayyyyy to smothering with him- and he is the way he is because of her now- and she doesn’t really see it.

I know that at the end of the day, they are MY kids and I will NOT be a mother like she was. Don’t get me wrong, I will take her wonderful qualities, which she has.. but leave the bad behind. But I am worried that they will have habits that are not to our liking.

She’s a very sweet woman, again… its just that she is clueless when it comes to many things. And it bothers me that she kind of doesn’t want to listen to what I have to say… but these are my girls. I should have a say in how they are raised even though I am at work half the day- don’t I?

That’s why I think daycare is better sometimes. Although they wont get the love and warmth that she gives them.I don’t want them to have bad traits/ habits because of her care. I want to be in charge of what is done, what they eat etc. I think she feels that they are her like her kids and she can do what she wants- which aggravates the hell out of me because they are NOT her kids.

I just got off the phone with her now, and she says “well I was just reading a baby book and it says that to comfort a baby when they have gas/cry they should be held”….. she still does not care. I told her that I don’t want her to pick them up constantly- if they are fed and clean- there is NO reason for them to be in her arms half the day.

My fear is that after all, they will think that she is their mom because she spends half the day with them. That’s the worst. That on top of it all, they will listen to her over me. When that happens, they go straight to day care ASAP.

*Btw- I have had a rash growing right below my boobies on my chest for the last week and a half. It even spread a bit to my neck- makes it look like I have a hickey (havent had one in many many years). So has anyone known of any aointments that may work? I dont have time to go to a doctor, get a referal for a dermatologist then go.. so need some over the counter advice.


5 thoughts on “Mother’s & Valentines Day

  1. K J and the kids

    Honey, of course your baby stops crying when you pick her up.
    Babies have NO way of telling you whats wrong OTHER than to cry. That is their ONLY method of communication. I too believe that babies of this age are not able to be taught or spoiled. I think they should be held when they cry.
    I also would not want to be home all day LISTENING to a baby crying. There is a built in mechanism inside of women. Babies cries trigger it. That’s why your body reacts the way it does to their little cries. It sends messages to fix it, stop it, make the crying stop. Some womans milk even comes in.
    If holding her is doing that, then GREAT !
    Plus, some babies are just more demanding…they need to be held more, cuddled more, bounced, rocked, walked, moved, swaddled, sang to….all of it more than a kicked back baby would. My first daughter was this way. It’s just the way they come out.

    I nannied for a lady with a VERY high maintenance and colicky baby. She told me the same thing. Don’t hold her all of the time. I would smile and nod and then the second she left and the baby started SCREAMING…I put her in the carrier, strapped it on, and went about my duties.
    I did try and let her cry once and after an HOUR I said this is RIDICULOUS ! I was ready to shake her, I was all stressed out, I HATED it. Nobody wants to listen to that all day. not even a loving grandmother.

    Sorry about the Valentines. I think you should buy yourself something REALLY expensive and then tell him…WELL…you said to buy myself something. If you didn’t want me to buy this..then YOU should have picked something out for me 🙂 ha ha
    Either way, you’ll end up with something really nice right ? ha ha

  2. Chas

    I’m sorry you’re so upset with your mom, but I think you’d experience this wherever they were. Maybe it’s just harder because it’s your mother. Even if you put them in daycare, they’re not going to listen to every word you say. When I worked with the babies in the daycare, when one started crying…most times they were picked up immediately. If they weren’t then it was like a chain reaction and then they were all crying. Parents don’t like to hear crying babies when they call to check on their kids. Rarely did you walk in and see a crying baby, but often you might walk in and see a staff member holding two babies to keep them quiet.

  3. Michell

    I don’t have to many thoughts on the crying baby thing although I do understand your frustration. I do know in the NICU we would try for a while to soothe them without holding but if we couldn’t soothe them we would often pick them up and hold them for a while unless they were in an isolette. As far as the rash, a hydrocortisone cream would be fine if it’s very itchy. If the rash is in places that sweat (you mentioned under the breast) you can try some lotrimin cream which is for fungal things (which grow in warm damp places) and that may help. Good luck with it all.

  4. es

    My impulse is to pick up my kids when they cry. But the problem with twins is what to do when they both are crying- kind of hard to hold both of them! What my baby nurse taught me is to put them in their carseats, sit between them, give them their pacifiers, and rock them until they calm down. If one of them gets hysterical, then I’ll take him/her out and hold them for 10 minutes or so until they’re calm. (However- my nurse has an abundant amount of patience- I’m not sure if I will be able to keep to this after she leaves). Maybe it will work for you?

  5. Kirsten

    I, too, have a mom AND MIL that think if the baby is crying, she has to be held constantly. It was so bad that one day, while they were both watching them and Daniel and I were out at an event, they didn’t even eat lunch or dinner because they were too busy holding the girls. I thought they were insane!!! Landry is still quite the crier when we are not holding her so I wonder what goes on at daycare. One day one of their teachers did make the comment to me that they “packed” her around all day because she was crying. But they have 8 babies in there so surely they have to put them down at some point. Thinking back, there have been 1 or 2 times I have walked in and one of my girls was in their crib crying, not hard, but just kind of whining, and I was okay with that because I could tell it wasn’t like they had been screaming and crying all day long. I am a big believer that it’s just who they are. Chayse hardly ever cries…if she does, we know exactly why. She’s our happy baby. Landry is the same as Soleil…she will cry and cry but the minute we pick her up, she is fine. She is just a needy baby. I surely don’t spend my entire time at home carrying her around…she does have to cry sometime or I’d get nothing done.
    I am a little concerned about my MIL though because she and my FIL have completely, 100% spoiled my niece and I refuse to have my children act that way. And my MIL tells me all the time how my niece had to be held all night long (by my MIL because they were always there) when she was a baby…and I think, look at her now. She is 2.5 years old but she already knows how to push the right buttons with them and MUST get her way or it’s a tantrum. I truly think it’s has a little (not all) to do with the way they have always treated her. I am so curious to see how our kids act when they are that age since my MIL and FIL spend more time with my niece…we’ll see what impact it truly has.
    Oh, and my hubby isn’t romantic, either. I am turning 30 this month and he gave me part of my present…a Zune (similar to an iPod), which is cool, but he mainly got me one because HE wanted one. And, the engraving on the back read “Happy Half Way to 60”. It’s a family joke but…still…could he not be just a little, tiny bit more romantic?!?!?!


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