I have now been in the hospital for 3 weeks. These weeks have been quite the roller coaster ride for my husband and I.
One minute I am a healthy, young woman who was finally pregnant after so much heartache, the next I found myself laying in triage speaking to a neonatal doctor who told me that if my girls were born that day the chances of survival were not good.
I mean, does this pain ever end?
So many of the blogs that I read are those of women who are if, and those who are finally pg. In many of those cases, the pregnancies are difficult and/or the babies are born early. Why do we always have to get the raw end of the deal? Believe me, we appreciate the pregnancies and the lives inside of us. So why continue to be tested?
Is it strange that I am in love with my daughters already? My belly is now filling with stretch marks and it makes me so happy. That means my girls are growing.
The other night my husband lay in my hospital bed with me and put his hand on the left side of my tummy (by baby a- the one that is less active than her sister). He rubbed my belly and said to her “kick daddy’s hand”. As I was explaining to him that they don’t kick on demand, she kicked his hand! We laughed so hard! It’s like, how can you not bond with that? I pick up my shirt and he sees them kicking my belly.
I have these tiny little miraculous lives inside of me and I am scared to death. Scared that if something were to happen, I cant stop it from happening. Every ache and pain is dissected by me. I worry non-stop, especially being in this state (laying down in the hospital with too much time on my hands, too much time to think). But the only thing I can do is stay positive.
My doctor (Dr. S) came in to see me this morning and said that he doesn’t think he’ll let me go home at 32 weeks either. He said that since the babies will weigh more then, this will put added pressure on my down to nothing cervix, and the chances of something happening are higher.
He took away my grain of hope. He said he would like to keep me here until 35 weeks (hopefully the girls will stay in that long) and our main goal is to get those girls out at a later date so that they are healthy. Yes, I understand that and I would like nothing more. But I was keeping hope alive that I would get to go home and be on bed rest there. It would be great if I could go home because then I could tell my hubby what to do with all the boxes (remember our house is still a mess). I just want a few me days before they are born- is that selfish? I want to go to the hair salon (because my hair has been a mess since I got here) and maybe get my nails done. I just want to pamper myself.
Don’t get me wrong I know that my daughters health is the most important thing in this world. I just wish I had a few days for me. Laying here in this hospital bed does not constitute “me time”. I also feel extremely weak. I am tired. When you lay around all day you feel like a rag doll.
I’m sorry my stories aren’t entertaining, there isn’t much to write about these days. Thank GD .