We all have our good days and our bad days.
Today was a bad day for me.
I am tired of these four walls. I need to breathe fresh air. I need to not be awoken at 8am by a plethora of people. The nurse, the pcts who constantly check my vitals, the cleaning man who sweeps my room, the woman who takes out the garbage, the man who mops the floor, the doctor, the woman who brings the breakfast, the woman who changes the linens. I am not kidding. All those people come in between 7am-8:30am. They wont give me my rest. I have no privacy. Even though I have my own room, there is no privacy in a hospital. My husband works all day or goes to school and I only see him for two hours a day. There is only so much you can go online or watch television before you lose your mind.
Yesterday and today I had the same nurses- the ones I dislike. They make it worse for me. They aren’t mean, but they aren’t friendly. They don’t smile. It depresses me. One of the nurses this morning said that one of the resident doctors that examines the ultrasound results doesn’t think that I need to be here. That made me think. I mean the truth is, I’m only here as a “precaution”. That means that if I were home and felt contractions it would take me 20 minutes to get here as opposed to already being here if I stayed.
Is that reason enough to stay?
I really do try to remain positive but I am only human. I break sometimes. Its natural.
I was crying for about 2 hours today when my husband was here. I told the nurse to call the doctor who was on call from my practice today to ask her if I could leave. Of course it wasn’t my immediate OB, it was another doctor who is so strict.
She called me back, was very stern and said that she would not discharge me, that it was her medical opinion that I stay- but I could discharge myself against medical advice. Then she went ahead and said that if something were to happen to my babies it would be on my head, and that my husband and family would blame me. Nice guilt huh?
She just came in and spoke with me as I was typing and layed the guilt on thick. She said that she wants to take me down to the NICU to see twins that were born at 26 weeks that have had one problem after the next. Heart failure, surgeries…. I told her not to use those tactics on me.
She said that when I came in I was in such bad shape that they had to give me the highest amount of meds to stop my contractions. She also said that they didn’t think I would make it this long without delivering and went on to say that their practice deals with high risk pregnancies and had birthed the highest number of multiples in the surrounding area.
She said to talk to my doctor tomorrow and see what he says.
Of course I know what he’s going to say. But I am cracking.
My husband says that I could do what I want, but that he would feel better if I stayed. He also said the one thing that got to me: “The babies are depending on you”. I mean, what can you say to that?
So although I am losing my mind, I will stay.
I’m not superwoman, I break too.