I NEED to vent. I MUST vent.
My mother has been a home care attendant worker since I was 8years old. This means that she is in charge of taking care of one elderly person every day. The job took a lot out of my mother. It is not an easy job, and I applaud those who work with the elderly.
When my grandmother became sick and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October of 2006, my mother flew to be close to her in Israel. She stayed for months on end, and was even there when I was going through IVF (so no one was there to make me chicken soup or whatever it is you eat when you just had ivf and don’t know if you will ever become pregnant).
My mother came back to the US right when we found out that I was pregant. She stayed for a month of happiness before she was called back to Israel with the news that my grandmother’s cancer took a turn for the worse and she was laying on her death bed.
I spoke to my grandmother as much as I could handle. It was hard to hear her that way- incoherent. I mean up until a few months prior- this woman cracked jokes, was the youngest 72 year old I knew, and would lift her skirt up in a seductive dance in front of her husband, 7 children, and 20 grandchildren. Even when we werent telling anyone that I was pregnant (prior to the 3 month point) I needed to tell her so that she would be happy. I told her and told her not to tell anyone. She promised she wouldn’t- but took aside every one of my aunts “secretly” to tell them.
When my grandmother passed, my mother returned to the states. SHe didnt go back to work. She needed time to herself. We discussed her watching the girls when I went back to work and she was excited about it. As she says, they brought her light when she needed it the most.
Now my mother taking care of the girls is an IDEAL situation. It is.
I mean she is there by 7am and leaves when my husband returns at 2-3pm. My daughters light up when they see her.
I’m glad someone does.
I don’t have the best relationship with my mother. I have been on the receiving end of A LOT of verbal abuse from this woman. This is a woman that would use my insecurities against me when I was a child. If a certain girl didn’t like me and I would tell her about it, she would be all sweet and great. But when I would fight with my mother she would say things like “Well, that’s why that girl doesnt like you”.. yeah. She did.
So I try to not let her get to me, or interact with her too much. She is a wonderful grandmother to my daughters, but as a mother- she failed with me.
I often tell my mother that she does NOT need to clean my house while she watches the girls. I mean just watching twins is a huge job in itself. I also mentioned several times that I dislike it when other people organize my bedroom and that I wound rather her not.
Yesterday as I stepped into my room- it was tidy. Now I KNOW that most people WISHED that someone else would clean their rooms for them. I am not one of those people. I feel like my bedroom is my Private space. My mess makes sense to me. And I also have some things….. umm.. I would rather her not stumble across.. ehm
This morning as she was coming in, I told her that although I appreciate her trying to help us out, I would rather her not clean my bedroom.
THAT. WAS. IT
The woman lost it. Lost it.
She started calling me names, yelling at me….cursing me out.. IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTERS. At first they smiled because they didn’t know what was going on… then they had a confused look on their faces.
She was holding them and just screaming. Are you for real WOMAN?
ME: Are you really screaming in front of my kids?
HER: How are they your kids when you only see them 2 hours a day?
OUCH.
ME: Well mom, some people FINISH high school (a burn to her that she never did) go to college, get a degree and WORK.
MOM: You’re garbage.
ME: No you’re garbage
MOM: Don’t talk to me that way!
ME: Why not?
Mom: I’m your mother.
ME: HA.
This goes on and on for what seemed like forever. Wafers were thrown, insults slung…
Then she went on a rant about how crazy I am and that’s why no one likes me.
WOW MOM.
She has been saying that stuff to me for YEARS.
Then she went on to say that I should find someone else to care for my kids (as she always used that card). I hate when she does that.
The thing is… I WOULD send my girls to daycare in a heartbeat- instead of having to deal with her daily. I CANT afford it. They want 2-3 g’s for both girls in my area. I just don’t have that type of cash- especially when my husband is out of a job next month and is going back to school.
I mean, do I go into debt because of her… or do I keep walking on eggshells and not say one thing that may set her off?!
I am way too pissed off right now to think.
I just wish I had a good relationship with my mother. I wish my daughters will not look at me with sadness in their eyes because I am not the mother they want, or wish they had.
Gemini Girl 
Ouch is right. I’d say you are between a rock & a hard place right about now. I know things will probably settle down but then you always have to worry about when a confrontation will happen again and the older the girls get, the worse it will be for them to see. And it’s not good for you to have put up with that anymore. I am just glad you can see the error in her ways of talking to you like that as a child. But, I totally get that daycare is crazy expensive and sometimes it is just not an option. And I would worry that spending money on that would just increase your stress more than having your mom around! Damn, I wish I had some advice. Would you consider trying to find someone else to come in and watch the girls? It’s something I struggle with b/c I don’t want a stranger in my home. I just joined a “Moms of Multiples” group and they have a message board and three times now someone has posted that their nanny is looking for more work so it’s not like I’d just pick them from a random list. Are there groups like that in your area that you might be able to find a reputable nanny? This way if you do have to lay down the law at least you (probably) won’t get attitude in return since it is their job. I don’t know, it’s such a sensitive topic…I hope that something works out for you though.
That last line kind of shows that you’re letting her get to you. You are NOT your mother, and your daughters are not going to wish for another mother…period. You’ll use your experience with your own mom to avoid that from happening.
If I were you, I’d keep your mom on board for babysitting right now, but I’d start a vigorous search for a new sitter. Look for child care facilities or daycare that base your cost on your income. Look for in-home sitters or nannies…I’m sure that even in and around NYC there are other SAHMs looking for extra cash. Do you read Liz’s blog?? She’s another Brooklyn mom, a sahm, and she might know of an option for you. She’s on my blogroll…House of H. Definitely get on the road to finding some other option, because that seriously cannot go on forever.
It’s really just not fair how your mom does this to you. I am seriously going to go online to find better childcare options for you. Your company doesn’t have any subsidized options?
Your daughters will NEVER look at you that way. You are already so active in their lives, and they are going to respect you in a way you could never respect your mom.
Oh man, I ‘m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I hate it when life isn’t smooth.
You sound like you know full well she is the one with issues NOT YOU so just keep reminding yourself that.
I would NEVER want someone to clean my room! Totally a private space with items that shouldn’t be found 😉
Wow. I sure know what it is like to have a dysfunctional mom, and it takes its toll, especially when you have to depend on them for something in your life (as we do too).
One of my mom’s fun quotes was, if you disagreed with her then fell down or the like, she would say, “See? God’s punishing you.”
Really, Mom? God’s punishing me because I disagreed with you? You and God must be hella tight then, Mom!
On another note…McCartney? So jealous. Oh…and speaking of wacky Moms…Beatrice has got one too!
Wow. Those are awful things to say to your own daughter. I’m sorry you had to experience that and even more sorry that it was in front of your babes (so gorgeous, by the way).
The childcare thing is such a pain. Centers here (not far from you – across the river in Jersey) want about $2,500 for infant day care and I just can’t see paying that and putting the baby in daycare full-time when I look at what I’ll have left over at the end of every month. I’ve read a few blogs where two families hired a live-out nanny and shared the expense. I was also at a picnic recently – mix of NYC and Hoboken parents – and they were all about au pairs. Apparently, they are much cheaper than nannies, but obviously you would need to have the room to live with another adult – not sure what your living situation is.
*sigh*
Such a dilemma…